I never, never thought that I would fall like that. Never knew that I could hurt this bad"
What a day...
I'm wide awake (yes, like the Katy Perry song). I'm aware of where I am and I'm aware of what happened to me. I'm aware that things aren't going to change and I'm aware that there's nothing that I can do about it. I got a rude awakening this weekend, but it was something that I needed. Saturday was a whirlwind of emotions that carried onto Sunday and still lingers today. I feel stuck, yet at the same time so aware of my surroundings. It's as if I'm in a hole, yet I can see the mud and dirt around me so clearly, that I understand it's shape and have come to "know" the hole...it's an understanding of an understanding. And as confusing as it sounds, it's so clear. Yeah, that's been my day so far. Welcome to my mind.
And now welcome to my heart. "This old heart of mine, been broke a thousand times..." (love that song!) I found an old journal that I started my junior year at Biola. I skimmed through the first two entries before work today, and maybe that's why I was in such a pensive mood today (but then again, when am I not?). Lately I've been trying to come up with a reason for everything that's happened to me the last couple of years. I've been trying to find why I've gone through so much crap in my life. And I'm not talking about no biggies like getting a C on a test or my goldfish dying--I'm talking major life-ruining moments. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm trying to remember when it all started and see if I can pinpoint where I made a choice that messed my life up and began this domino effect of one things after another. For sure, my household began to crumble around 2009 for reasons that I can't discuss. But that had nothing to do with me, but it sure did change my life and has effected every relationship, both friendships and romantic, that I've had ever since.
Every situation has become an obstacle on top of another obstacle that happens to be over some other mountain. It feels like I'm just being drowned under water. At first it was just that I wanted to be able to walk, and then swim. But now, I just want to be able to breathe. Blow after blow, I've taken on every situation "like a man." God has been with me every step of the way, guiding me, pulling me, stretching me out. But now, I'm just tired. I think I'm just too tired. I feel so guilty, but every morning when I wake up, after I say my little morning prayer, I say to myself "When is it going to be over? How much is enough?" as if God can't hear me. I know He listens, and I know He's working. It's the unknown and the waiting, however, that weakens me. I look around me and everyone seems to be prospering or moving on in their lives, while I'm still here...waiting. I can't help but ask God, question Him like if we're playing 21 questions, but I'm not getting any of the answers. All I can hearing is, "wait...just wait." I close my eyes and imagine myself fighting and wrestling with God or an angel like Jacob did until he got his blessing. I see myself looking ridiculous as I throw my fists up at the Almighty Creator of the universe. Only He has the magical answers that could solve all of my problems. If only He'd give me a glimpse of what my life will be like in 5 years, I think I could have some peace of mind. Who wouldn't like to know that?
I don't know. I just don't know anymore. And this wasn't even what I wanted to talk about. I was going to tie in Rihanna's interview with Oprah. She mentioned Chris Brown being the love of her life and that she's come to terms that she's probably going to feel that way towards him for a very long time, and that even though she doesn't know what the future has, she's okay with just feeling that way because she knows it was real (oh man, that interview was amazing!). I know that the road I'm heading down isn't going to be easy. It's hard to love someone that still loves you too, but is trying to get over you because it's "what's best" ( - __- ) but that's what God has placed in my path. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm okay with that. I'll probably be alone for a good while, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to rush into anything because I have a lot of baggage from crap that has happened over the last couple of years, and my heart still belongs to someone else. I'm not ready to move on, and I'm okay with that. I'm just going to take it one day at a time...one breath at a time.
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