Set me free, leave me be/I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity/Here I am and I stand so tall I'm just the way I'm supposed to be/But you're on to me and all over me
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong/But you touch me for a little while/And all my fragile strength is gone
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground/But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go/The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...You're keeping me down
-"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles
I wanted to come back to blogging in order to release some of the thoughts in my head that keep me from sleeping. But as soon as I opened the page and saw the last post, memories flashed through my mind as I reminisced the moments that made me write that post. It's amazing how time changes...how people change. It actually made me laugh and smile. I'm still trying to figure out, though, if it was a sarcastic laugh or not. Funny how love makes you so true and feel secure...and the next moment you're falling off the little cloud you set your sights on. C'est la vie!
I understand why things happened the way that they did. Or at least, I understand why those feelings could push someone to make the decisions that were made. But I don't think it was enough. Now I'm left with questions...questions that haunt my thoughts every...single...moment. It still feels unreal to me. I wake up after a beautiful dream where we have another adventure, only to have to bring myself back to the reality. Every morning is a struggle. Instead of getting easier every day, it only gets harder and harder. My heart was set, my heart was ready to spend the rest of it's life with this person, belonging to this person (other than Jesus!) and pouring out all sorts of emotions with this person. I'm not going to continue this part of my thoughts because it feels like I can go on forever. I never stop thinking. I never stop feeling.
Now, it's time for me. For almost three years (in September), I spent every moment dedicating time to this person, never leaving a doubt of the feelings I felt for him. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time--I spent such a long time investing in a future that no longer exists. I feel like Bella in "New Moon," when Edward leaves her. She's left with nothing...nothing! I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, thinking about the good times, then forcing myself to fall back asleep, remembering that it's not real anymore. And I often ask myself if I would ever go back. My heart tells me, "Duh Jocy! He's your soul-mate!" But my mind reminds me that this isn't the first time this happens, that you might not be the only one he thinks about, that something else mattered more to him than you and all that you guys went through. I think of myself as being mentally sick. How does someone go back after all that? But, like the song says, it's something more powerful than your thoughts, reasoning and logic. As much as you try to move on, there's always something pull you back down, not letting you move on. A friend of mine posted something on her husband's facebook wall, "You and I will always be unfinished business." I know all about their story, which is very similar to mine's and the kid's story. That is exactly how I feel, even at this moment. This didn't end because we lost our feelings for each other or we ourselves didn't function--we were great together! Outside factors tore us apart. I don't want to keep holding on, but I know that I will always feel something for him.
What we had was magic, and magic doesn't just disappear. But, for now, for myself, I need to worry about me. I have to be strong for myself. I know the battle is only going to get harder, but I will do what I have to do to make sure that I don't get my heart broken again. I don't think I'll date any time soon, unless someone sweeps me off my feet and I have no choice (haha...), but I need time to heal. My world fell apart, and I need time to put it back together.
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