Is she standing in my room?/No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The giving up is the hardest part/She takes you in with your crying eyes/Then all at once you have to say goodbye/Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?/No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand/Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?/No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part
This song takes me back...waaaay way back! It feels like such a long time ago that I was in my senior year at Biola, listening to this song on repeat, along with Taylor Swift's "Breathe," for hours straight as I studied for my tests and wrote papers all night long. Right now as I went back to search for Taylor Swift's song (because I couldn't remember the name), it hit me that I was back in the same place that I was in so long ago. The heartache, the emptiness, the sadness...it all came back to me. We had broken up because my parents didn't approve and I couldn't handle the tension in my house, so I ended things. Of course, I couldn't take the pain and I had to be with him, so we got back together. And now, here we are, again, but this time reversed. If my breakups had a theme song, this would be it. And to prove how much of a great match we were, we both made this our song when we broke up the first time.
I remember it was about 2am and I had John Mayer on my ipod. I heard thing song and I froze as I remembered what it was about. I shut it off because I couldn't handle hearing it completely. As I leaned against the wall (I wrote my best papers on the floor by the door), I just sat there, thinking and trying to hold back my tears because I didn't want to wake up my roommate. I decided to check his myspace (yes...myspace...) to look as his pictures and as his profile song began to play, my heart dropped--there was John Mayer singing the same song I couldn't bare to hear moments before. At first I smiled because I thought about how alike we were...we WOULD pick the same breakup song. But then I returned to my sad/depressed state when I thought about what he must be feeling to post that song up on his myspace, in public, letting everyone know that he was sad too. For him, that was huge! It broke my heart to know and realize that I had broken his, because even though I thought I was making the right choice, he was the only one whose happiness really mattered to me. Since moving out of my house to go to college, my relationship with my family wasn't the best--they didn't take me wanting to be so independent too well and my new relationship just made things worse. At that moment, I only wanted to be with him.
Moving forward some years, here I am, laying in bed and listening to the same song on repeat. It feels as though nothing has changed and this is still the beginning. Every moment, every memory feels like a dream. And even in my dreams, as I sleep, he's all I think about. Waking up truly is the hardest part, having to remind myself that this is the life I live now. I used to fall asleep trying to imagine all the great conversations we'd have before going to sleep once we got married. And when I'd wake up, I'd close my eyes and picture what it'd be like to wake up next to my best friend, the funniest guy I know that makes me laugh even when I'm raging mad at him. It's hard to imagine my future now that he's not around. I mean, I'm still moving forward and pushing towards the same goals. Except now, I have to dream of doing all those things alone. Instead of making plans and dreaming about all of the ministries we could've started up, I'm dreaming of them alone. It gets harder and harder every day, but I know I'll get through this. I have to. God wouldn't give me dreams and a passion for changing things for Him for no reason. I just have to remember to keep breathing...
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