"take a look it's on display for you...fly away on my zephyr. i feel it more than ever. and in this perfect weather, we'll find a place together."
so, i had to end this month with my fav rhcp song. i don't know if you've noticed but all of my posts this month (except sunday's) are titles of rhcp songs. we'll see which artist i choose for september. i have a few in mind but nothing too concrete yet. anyways, this song takes me way back to when i was into skating and would go to the beach often. it just makes me feel so free, and like if i was high. haha. not sure if the song fits my feelings right now though. hmm...
things are good. i wouldn't say i'm back to normal yet though, because i still feel that sense of uncertainty. i don't know what's going to happen next, and at this point anything can happen. i'm just scared that it's all going to end again and i'll be left alone and depressed all over again. i don't want to go back to that. just thinking about it...ugh. i never want to see myself, or anyone, ever go through that again. i'm glad i'm in the position of another opportunity, but i feel like i could lose it any minute. i haven't gotten a real answer yet as to what this is, but of course i'm hoping for the best. i just want to be happy again. i just wish he could see how he really makes me feel. well, i'm pretty sure he knows. but i wish he felt the same way. sometimes i'm not sure. it feels real, but at this point, i don't know. he's being very cautious, and i totally understand; he has every right to be cautious. i guess most of it is just me. i've been living in a dark whole for months and i just want to be pulled out. i never thought the person i cared about most could put me through that, over and over again. but it's all over now...i think. i just want to be happy.
so for now, i'll just keep waiting...and waiting...and waiting...
(i guess the song did turn out to match my feelings...i just want to fly away and find a place together...)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Trono de Alabanza
"Estas sentado en gloria y majestad a la derecha del Padre celestial. Tienes dominio sobre toda potestad. Cielo y tierra reconocen Tu poder. Por eso yo te brindo lealtad. Estamos levantando un trono de alabanza para que te sientes mi Senor y mi Rey. Ven a este lugar Senor, domina sobre todo. Establece Tu reino de justicia y verdad."
Today, I just want to worship.
There's so much drama going on everywhere, and in the midst of all of it, I just want to worship. I messed up yesterday and I feel really guilty about it. On my way home last night, I thought about what I did and I remembered that I'm better than that, and that I was created for a larger purpose, which is to praise and worship the living God. There are rumors here and there about so and so, this and that is going to happen and blah blah blah. Yes, it's a bit scary but I don't anything to phase me on this day that is the Lord's. I have chosen to dedicate my time and my life to bringing praise to my King and Savior, and although it comes at a cost, I must continue to do just that--just keep on praising.
I want to encourage any worship leader and/or musician that is experiencing trials within his/her worship team or church to continue moving forward in this task that we have been given to use our talents for the honor and glory of God ALONE. We're not placed here to please others or to rise on top of others--that is what fame is for and God has not placed us in that position. God has given us talents for His honor and glory, and we can't forget that. As much as it may hurt us or tire us, we have to continue praising for the sake of bringing glory to God and expanding His kingdom. Do His will, and everything else will fall into place. Just keep on worshiping.
Today, I just want to worship.
There's so much drama going on everywhere, and in the midst of all of it, I just want to worship. I messed up yesterday and I feel really guilty about it. On my way home last night, I thought about what I did and I remembered that I'm better than that, and that I was created for a larger purpose, which is to praise and worship the living God. There are rumors here and there about so and so, this and that is going to happen and blah blah blah. Yes, it's a bit scary but I don't anything to phase me on this day that is the Lord's. I have chosen to dedicate my time and my life to bringing praise to my King and Savior, and although it comes at a cost, I must continue to do just that--just keep on praising.
I want to encourage any worship leader and/or musician that is experiencing trials within his/her worship team or church to continue moving forward in this task that we have been given to use our talents for the honor and glory of God ALONE. We're not placed here to please others or to rise on top of others--that is what fame is for and God has not placed us in that position. God has given us talents for His honor and glory, and we can't forget that. As much as it may hurt us or tire us, we have to continue praising for the sake of bringing glory to God and expanding His kingdom. Do His will, and everything else will fall into place. Just keep on worshiping.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Give It Away
"Give it away, give it away, give it away now!"
I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, but I feel like I'm playing limbo right now. I'm constantly asking myself, "Should I? Shouldn't I?" and it's kind of scary. I don't want to lose again. I've gone through so much these past couple of months and if I mess this up (again) I'll beat myself up...big time!!! I have no idea how much to give up, how much to open up and especially how much to hold back.
I just wish I could jump in and give it everything, but I can't; it's not up to me. I have other people to think about, and ultimately that decision is not mine. I've been through this before and I have to guard my heart. This wouldn't be the first time that I believed that I had another chance, because it's happened before and I've come out of it hurt. But something about this time feels different. But I still don't know. I've had a lot of issues through all this, thinking how it was all my fault, and in part it was, but I've come out stronger because of this. I'm a good catch. I've had to learn to value myself and see myself for who I am and appreciating myself. I've got a lot to offer. But we'll see what happens. If the opportunity comes, I'll open up and give it all away again. I just want to be happy again.
I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, but I feel like I'm playing limbo right now. I'm constantly asking myself, "Should I? Shouldn't I?" and it's kind of scary. I don't want to lose again. I've gone through so much these past couple of months and if I mess this up (again) I'll beat myself up...big time!!! I have no idea how much to give up, how much to open up and especially how much to hold back.
I just wish I could jump in and give it everything, but I can't; it's not up to me. I have other people to think about, and ultimately that decision is not mine. I've been through this before and I have to guard my heart. This wouldn't be the first time that I believed that I had another chance, because it's happened before and I've come out of it hurt. But something about this time feels different. But I still don't know. I've had a lot of issues through all this, thinking how it was all my fault, and in part it was, but I've come out stronger because of this. I'm a good catch. I've had to learn to value myself and see myself for who I am and appreciating myself. I've got a lot to offer. But we'll see what happens. If the opportunity comes, I'll open up and give it all away again. I just want to be happy again.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Higher Ground
"I'm so glad that he let me try it again. Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin. I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then. Gonna keep on tryin' till I reach my highest ground."
second chances are like birthday presents. third, fourth and fifth chances are like diamonds and gold--you don't know how real they are until you've tested them out. but once you know they're real, you have to treat them as such, as diamonds and gold, because you could easily lose it since they're so fragile and dainty.
this time around, things are going to be different. i've grown up now. i'm not the same person i used to be a couple of months ago. once in a while my old self will try to come back, but i'm quick to punch her right in the face, and if she tries to get back up, i'll take her legs out. haha!
this is for you. this is for me. this is for us.
second chances are like birthday presents. third, fourth and fifth chances are like diamonds and gold--you don't know how real they are until you've tested them out. but once you know they're real, you have to treat them as such, as diamonds and gold, because you could easily lose it since they're so fragile and dainty.
this time around, things are going to be different. i've grown up now. i'm not the same person i used to be a couple of months ago. once in a while my old self will try to come back, but i'm quick to punch her right in the face, and if she tries to get back up, i'll take her legs out. haha!
this is for you. this is for me. this is for us.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Snow
"The more I see the less I know. The more I like to let it go oh...woa woa woa"
It’s so easy to fall back to where I was not so long ago. One look, one touch, one word, and I’m sent flying right back to where I started. But I am proud to say that it’s not as bad as before. I’m much stronger than I used to be. I think I’ve been slapped in the face with reality so many times that I’ve become smarter about my choices and what takes over my mind—what I allow it to think and dominate my thoughts.
These past two days have been…interesting. I’m not going to lie, but it’s something that I’ve wanted for a looong time. I did my best to keep my wall up, and although I couldn’t keep it as strong as I wanted to, I’m pretty darn proud of myself. I just hope that I can keep it up with whatever life throws at me next.
I hold on to the truth that God makes all things work together for my good. I haven’t been seeking God as I should be in these moments of trial and confusion, but I recognize that I’ve come to a point where I can’t keep doing it on my own—I need help. And today, I call out to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and ask for His help to save me and pull me out of this state that I’m in. God, I know that You are might to save and I gladly trade my sorrow and my pain for this unspeakable joy that only You can give.
Fresh start.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Scar Tissue
"Scar tissue that I wish you saw. Sarcastic mister know it all. Close your eyes and I’ll kiss you ’cause with the birds I’ll share...with the birds I’ll share this lonely view."
I'm a work in progress. Someone once told me that in order to move on I have to get back to doing the things that I used to love doing before my relationship. Well...that doesn't really apply to me because doing those things is what brought us together and helped us grow stronger. I didn't have to change who I was or start liking new things. I was myself the whole time, and that's what is making everything so much more difficult. At times I feel I have to change who I already am to not think the thoughts that keep me up all night. I find myself looking for distractions that I wouldn't normally look for because the normal things I do bring back memories. And I'm left there...alone with my thoughts. I wish someone would invent a thought blaster ray to vaporize those haunting thoughts that keep people from sleeping or just getting through the day. AGH!
ANYWAYS!!!
Today was the first day of VBS at church. I had a blast helping out with my fellow Royal Rangers in the games. My job was to help the kids get through a giant obstacle course (the jumper ones) and oh man, my arms and back are going to be sore tomorrow morning from all of the kids i lifted. I raced one of the volunteers through the obstacle course, but the race didn't last too long seeing how as soon as I dove through the first hole my pants slipped down! Ha! Singing and dancing with the kids was a blast too! Overall, it was a good day.
Thankful.
I'm a work in progress. Someone once told me that in order to move on I have to get back to doing the things that I used to love doing before my relationship. Well...that doesn't really apply to me because doing those things is what brought us together and helped us grow stronger. I didn't have to change who I was or start liking new things. I was myself the whole time, and that's what is making everything so much more difficult. At times I feel I have to change who I already am to not think the thoughts that keep me up all night. I find myself looking for distractions that I wouldn't normally look for because the normal things I do bring back memories. And I'm left there...alone with my thoughts. I wish someone would invent a thought blaster ray to vaporize those haunting thoughts that keep people from sleeping or just getting through the day. AGH!
ANYWAYS!!!
Today was the first day of VBS at church. I had a blast helping out with my fellow Royal Rangers in the games. My job was to help the kids get through a giant obstacle course (the jumper ones) and oh man, my arms and back are going to be sore tomorrow morning from all of the kids i lifted. I raced one of the volunteers through the obstacle course, but the race didn't last too long seeing how as soon as I dove through the first hole my pants slipped down! Ha! Singing and dancing with the kids was a blast too! Overall, it was a good day.
Thankful.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Under the Bridge
"I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love...take me all the way"
So...that day sucked! Ha! But that's life. One thing I've learned is that stuff happens. Period. I could easily be curled up in my bed (fetal position), listening to Adele (whom I absolutely love!) and watching my life waste away. But...nah. Honestly, I'm tired of having to put on a mask every morning and pretending that it's all good when it's not. I'm just tired period. But I don't want to be like that anymore.
From this day forward, I'ma do me! I was born to be free, to explore and to take on things as they came. So, here's to a new beginning.
So...that day sucked! Ha! But that's life. One thing I've learned is that stuff happens. Period. I could easily be curled up in my bed (fetal position), listening to Adele (whom I absolutely love!) and watching my life waste away. But...nah. Honestly, I'm tired of having to put on a mask every morning and pretending that it's all good when it's not. I'm just tired period. But I don't want to be like that anymore.
From this day forward, I'ma do me! I was born to be free, to explore and to take on things as they came. So, here's to a new beginning.
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