Letting Go

You've brought me to the end of myself/This has been the longest road/Just when my hallelujah was tired/You gave me a new song

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes/But perfect love comes rushing in/And all the lies screamed inside go silent/The moment You begin

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

You remind me/Of things forgotten/You unwind me/Until I'm totally undone/And with Your arms around me/Fear was no match for Your love/Now You've won me

And if I lived a thousand lifetimes/And wrote a song for every day/Still there would be no way to say/How You have loved me/Oh, how You love me/And that's how You've won me

i honestly don’t know how to start this entry, so i decided to be honest and just straight out say that i don’t know what to say. i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t know where i’m going or where i should be. 

i don’t know a lot of things lately, or for a long time actually. it’s been a few years since i last wrote something, and yet i still hold onto some of the feelings i felt way back then. while i no longer have feelings for the person who lead me to start this blog in the first place, and that relationship is now only a memory, i still struggle with certainty of who i am and where i need to be. there are different situations in my life now, but the struggle is still the same. 

as i listen to this song, which is beautiful in so many ways, i can’t help but to conjure up the feelings i last felt in my last entry. i came into this thinking i would write something positive about the new year and blah blah blah. my intention was to encourage myself to let go and push forward. but i feel like i’ve already been trying to do that and i’m using a rake instead of a shovel to remove this muck in my life. instead of lifting and throwing it away, i’ve been spreading this mud into a thin layer, hoping that the sun will dry it out. but once the mud is dry, the floor is still dirty and will only continue to be a mess every time it rains. and it sucks. it really sucks.

i can’t deny it and pretend that it’s not there—the hurt, the pain, the resentment. and this doesn’t just have to do with my last relationship, which was years ago. but the more i sit and think about where i’ve been and where all of this comes from, the more i realize that, jeez, i’ve gone through a lot. and it’s not to excuse my behavior or to ask for others to pity me (please don’t…), but in order to allow God to heal you, we have to allow Him to dig through the deepest and most painful parts of our hearts and minds. through prayer God has revealed things to me that i had no idea i still held onto. and the more that happens, the more i want to stop the process. yes, i feel great after, but it’s the digging deep part that hurts. it’s like working out or going for a run—you know it’s going to cost you energy, time and possibly money, but the end result feels amazing. 

i unintentionally hide from God. all the time. and then here i come apologizing, knowing He’ll forgive me because i sing songs and read about Him having relentless love for us, and how much He yearns to hear our voice and be with us. i know that. but there i go again. and every time i think about it, even now, i find it so annoying. i mean, come on! that’s so irritating. i picture God having a special callus for every time i come running to Him. i picture God opening His arms every time i come to Him, happy that i’m there. if it were me, i’d have rolled my eyes a couple million times and called me a faker, knowing that i’d do it again. but i’m not God, and His ways are higher. i will never understand the full complexity that is God and His plans for my life. and that’s where the dilemma lies. 

ugh. 

i’m so sick of faking it. fake it until you make it. but don’t get me wrong, i love God and my faith is strong. there’s nothing that can break my relationship with God. He knows my heart, my thoughts, my desires…everything. i talk to Him throughout the day, whether it be through short prayers, questions in my head, advice, etc. i like to keep our conversations constant throughout the day. what bothers me are my actions and the natural thoughts floating around in my head. i can’t seem to forgive myself for the things i’ve done or the way i act. i don’t know, it’s complicated. maybe i’m crazy, and maybe i’m alone in thinking this way. or maybe i expect too much of myself. i think i should be a certain place in life at my age, and i’m not. it’s my daily struggle with God, me asking Him why things aren’t certain ways. i try to mask my frustration with asking for His will to be done. but if i have to be honest, and it’s something that i need to start doing more often, i’m frustrated. i’m so disappointed. like, what the hell?!?! but the moment i start to get ready to yell at God, i start to think twice. Ha, i did it just now. is this my fear, or is it God. is it okay to yell at God? i know Jacob did, but can i do it too? and do i even want to yell at God? right now, my answer is no. i want God to use me and make me whole, but does that involve me shouting out my anger? or is that of the flesh? i don’t know. i really don’t know. my relationship or approach to God has always been an open one, where i sit and wait for God to open and close doors for me, that it all may be according to His will. but why isn’t it working?

and see, that last question in itself is my frustration. i’m leaving it there to remind myself later in case i need to reread this entry. why is me not getting what i want a sign of something not working? when did i become so spoiled to think that i’m blessed if things are going my way? i wasn’t like this. and i’m totally aware of how blessed my life is. but somewhere down the line, my happiness became dependent on certain moments. in my mind, i should be married and have children by now. it’s been my desire to share my life with someone and be a mother since i was very young. the fact that it hasn’t happen yet is killing me. i’m not about to walk around desperate, acting all “thirsty,” but it does bother me. i haven’t been in a relationship for a few years now. it took a really long time to recover from the last one, and i’m not about to just jump into a new one. i’m praying for the next one to be THE one—the final one God has for me. i’m surrounded by broken marriages. i’m over here trying to stay married, so i will wait. but man, it’s hard. so hard. and i hate waiting. i really do. 

okay, this went on a lot longer than i expected, but i had a café glacé from urth and i’m on a roll. but i said what i needed to say, for now and for this song. i had arrows tattooed on my wrist to remind me that while i may plan and aim where i want my life to go, it’s not going anywhere until i let go. my new year’s resolution (eww, yes i made one [insert rolling eyes emoji]) is to go above and beyond what is required or asked of me. this also includes getting out of my own way to do what i need to do to be used by God. this means letting go of my plans, expectations, hopes, dreams, and even my crush from church. 

Lord, i know i’ve said it before, but i want to mean it more than i ever have before. help me mean what i say. give life and motion to my words, and jump-start my hopes and dreams. i need and want this more than ever before. Lord, have Your way. i let go of everything and everyone and lay it all before You.