River

Been traveling these wide roads for so long/My heart’s been far from you/Ten-thousand miles gone

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

In my darkness I remember/Momma’s words reoccur to me/"Surrender to the good Lord/And he’ll wipe your slate clean"

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Oh, go on/Take me to your river/I wanna know

Tip me in your smooth waters/I go in/As a man with many crimes/Come up for air/As my sins flow down the Jordan

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Go on,Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/I wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Lord, please let me know/Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I was honestly just going to let it all out on a word document or something, but I figured I might as well record it, for future purposes (I guess...)

I haven't been sleeping very well. Actually, I can't remember the last time I got a good night's rest without being disturbed by my own dreams, or twisting and turning about fifty million times. I want to say that it all started when I was in school. i remember being able to fall asleep in one position and wake up in the same one, but that was so long ago. 

i'm so tired. i'm so very tired. i feel like i've been going non-stop for the longest time, and no matter how many hours of sleep i get, or don't get, i'm still so tired. it's a bit more than a burned out feeling, because it feels like it's actually part of me now. in spanish, there are two words to describe oneself-- "ser" and "estar". Both of these translate to "to be" in english, but they are so very different. "Estar" is a temporary state, such as moods or feelings. For example, "estoy triste" or "estoy feliz," which are i am sad and i am happy. these are both temporary states. "ser" is who you are, in a more permanent state. "soy una mujer" or "soy jocy" are I am a woman and I am jocy. those two are things that i cannot change because they are who i am. that was sort of a long explanation to my next point, but i felt that it was necessary. i want to make sure that i understand what i'm about to confess to myself. I AM TIRED. i am a tired person. i’m constantly in a state of tiredness. and no matter what i do, this feeling just doesn’t go away. it’s past a point of just feeling lethargic or lazy. idk. now i just feel like i’m complaining, but i honestly don’t know what else to feel or say or do or think. 

my point to coming here and venting was because, although i’m physically tired, my mind continues to race like no other. i can be exhausted and soooo ready for bed, and i have no problem getting to sleep. but once my mind enters that dream zone, it’s as if i’m wide awake. i feel every emotion on my dream. when i wake up, i have a hard time distinguishing what was real and what was part of the dream. everything just feels so real in my dream world. at times, i feel like i can even control my dreams, as if i’ve consciously helped make decisions in my dream. it’s weird. even now i’m having a hard time explaining myself because it doesn’t even make sense to me. 

here and there my ex boyfriend will pop up, or other guys that i see either at work or at church. and for the longest time i had a crush on a guy at church, but i can say that i’ve probably only dreamt with him less than five times. nothing ever happens with those guys, like romantically. they’re just there, chillin or having conversations. recently i’ve started dreaming with this other guy at church, where he just comes along on my adventures, like a buddy. it’s weird. idk. last night i dreamt that i was going to have lunch with Phil Jackson and Trevor Arriza, and Shaq stopped by for a while to say hi. it was cool. 

anyways, with all of these dreams and just feeling tired, i feel like i’ve lost touch with myself, and what God has planned for my life. i’m in a limbo between a tired reality and an overactive subconscious. everything, in this exact moment as i’m writing this, feels so underwhelming. it’s not a secret that i don’t feel accomplished in life. maybe i set the bar too high for myself, or i’m basing my standards on norms that are no longer the case anymore. i know that i’m immensely blessed to live the life that i’m living. but something just doesn’t feel right. when i was younger, more specifically in college, i felt such fire and passion for certain things, and i was sure that i would continue doing those things. but so much has happened since then, and as much as i want to believe otherwise, i’m not that girl anymore. i wish with my whole heart that i was, but i’m not. 

no other song speaks to my life as much as this one does. i first heard of leon bridges last year while having lunch at grand central market with jair and claudia, and i just had to shazaam what was playing. for a whole week straight, his album was all i listened to. but this song…oh this song. it’s one of those that you can keep on repeat for hours on end. as i’m listening to it, the strumming reminds me of old youth group days where in a moment of surrender, it’s just you and God, and the guitar is simply there to keep pushing you up so that you don’t fall back. 

i know that i am in constant need for God, and i know that He will forgive me, but sometimes i just feel so dirty and unworthy. and i’m not even doing anything crazy, as in going astray or whatever. i’m just so “blah” about everything, that i feel like i’m sinning. is that weird? 

two days ago i was reminded of this guy i saw yeeeeears ago. he’s a friend of a friend, and i’m trying to remember if i even met the guy. he’s younger, so i never thought anything could happen. i was staying with my friend for a good while, so i would see his friend every so often, and i thought he was super cute. anyways, i forgot about him until two days ago. i looked him up and oh jeez he’s so good looking. and for the first time in the longest time, i felt something. i got butterflies and all giddy. i even mentioned him to my friends, and started reminiscing on my old college days and the passions i had back then. i always thought i’d be living in a third world country, or somewhere foreign, doing the Lord’s work. i always imagined i’d move to Honduras (my favorite place). i started looking at homes there, and started imagining working with an organization that will help people, with housing, drug rehabilitation, SOMETHING! ANYTHING! for these past two days i’ve been feeling a little spark light up inside of me. my life is so good, on paper, but i feel dead on the inside. i love my family, i love my friends, my job, my puppy. but i’m just not happy, or feeling like i’m doing what i’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

Lord, i’m so sorry for letting myself feel this way when i’m incredibly blessed. i am grateful for all that You've allowed me to have and to experience, and i pray that i never forget that all good things come from You, and that You make things work together for our good. I pray in this moment that You wash me in Your river, and upon emerging, that i may experience a renewing of my mind and my spirit. may every aspect of my life, including my thoughts and my dreams, connect with Your will and what You have for me. may my dreams reflect the path on which You want me to embark. i’m tired of being tired. may i learn to hear Your voice and discipline myself to be better at seeking You and listening for Your voice, and yours alone. help me to be a better person physically, mentally, personally, spiritually, in every aspect of my life. that those around me, whether familiar or strangers, may see You in me. wash me clean and make me new, again and again, over and over.