River

Been traveling these wide roads for so long/My heart’s been far from you/Ten-thousand miles gone

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

In my darkness I remember/Momma’s words reoccur to me/"Surrender to the good Lord/And he’ll wipe your slate clean"

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Oh, go on/Take me to your river/I wanna know

Tip me in your smooth waters/I go in/As a man with many crimes/Come up for air/As my sins flow down the Jordan

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Go on,Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/I wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Lord, please let me know/Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I was honestly just going to let it all out on a word document or something, but I figured I might as well record it, for future purposes (I guess...)

I haven't been sleeping very well. Actually, I can't remember the last time I got a good night's rest without being disturbed by my own dreams, or twisting and turning about fifty million times. I want to say that it all started when I was in school. i remember being able to fall asleep in one position and wake up in the same one, but that was so long ago. 

i'm so tired. i'm so very tired. i feel like i've been going non-stop for the longest time, and no matter how many hours of sleep i get, or don't get, i'm still so tired. it's a bit more than a burned out feeling, because it feels like it's actually part of me now. in spanish, there are two words to describe oneself-- "ser" and "estar". Both of these translate to "to be" in english, but they are so very different. "Estar" is a temporary state, such as moods or feelings. For example, "estoy triste" or "estoy feliz," which are i am sad and i am happy. these are both temporary states. "ser" is who you are, in a more permanent state. "soy una mujer" or "soy jocy" are I am a woman and I am jocy. those two are things that i cannot change because they are who i am. that was sort of a long explanation to my next point, but i felt that it was necessary. i want to make sure that i understand what i'm about to confess to myself. I AM TIRED. i am a tired person. i’m constantly in a state of tiredness. and no matter what i do, this feeling just doesn’t go away. it’s past a point of just feeling lethargic or lazy. idk. now i just feel like i’m complaining, but i honestly don’t know what else to feel or say or do or think. 

my point to coming here and venting was because, although i’m physically tired, my mind continues to race like no other. i can be exhausted and soooo ready for bed, and i have no problem getting to sleep. but once my mind enters that dream zone, it’s as if i’m wide awake. i feel every emotion on my dream. when i wake up, i have a hard time distinguishing what was real and what was part of the dream. everything just feels so real in my dream world. at times, i feel like i can even control my dreams, as if i’ve consciously helped make decisions in my dream. it’s weird. even now i’m having a hard time explaining myself because it doesn’t even make sense to me. 

here and there my ex boyfriend will pop up, or other guys that i see either at work or at church. and for the longest time i had a crush on a guy at church, but i can say that i’ve probably only dreamt with him less than five times. nothing ever happens with those guys, like romantically. they’re just there, chillin or having conversations. recently i’ve started dreaming with this other guy at church, where he just comes along on my adventures, like a buddy. it’s weird. idk. last night i dreamt that i was going to have lunch with Phil Jackson and Trevor Arriza, and Shaq stopped by for a while to say hi. it was cool. 

anyways, with all of these dreams and just feeling tired, i feel like i’ve lost touch with myself, and what God has planned for my life. i’m in a limbo between a tired reality and an overactive subconscious. everything, in this exact moment as i’m writing this, feels so underwhelming. it’s not a secret that i don’t feel accomplished in life. maybe i set the bar too high for myself, or i’m basing my standards on norms that are no longer the case anymore. i know that i’m immensely blessed to live the life that i’m living. but something just doesn’t feel right. when i was younger, more specifically in college, i felt such fire and passion for certain things, and i was sure that i would continue doing those things. but so much has happened since then, and as much as i want to believe otherwise, i’m not that girl anymore. i wish with my whole heart that i was, but i’m not. 

no other song speaks to my life as much as this one does. i first heard of leon bridges last year while having lunch at grand central market with jair and claudia, and i just had to shazaam what was playing. for a whole week straight, his album was all i listened to. but this song…oh this song. it’s one of those that you can keep on repeat for hours on end. as i’m listening to it, the strumming reminds me of old youth group days where in a moment of surrender, it’s just you and God, and the guitar is simply there to keep pushing you up so that you don’t fall back. 

i know that i am in constant need for God, and i know that He will forgive me, but sometimes i just feel so dirty and unworthy. and i’m not even doing anything crazy, as in going astray or whatever. i’m just so “blah” about everything, that i feel like i’m sinning. is that weird? 

two days ago i was reminded of this guy i saw yeeeeears ago. he’s a friend of a friend, and i’m trying to remember if i even met the guy. he’s younger, so i never thought anything could happen. i was staying with my friend for a good while, so i would see his friend every so often, and i thought he was super cute. anyways, i forgot about him until two days ago. i looked him up and oh jeez he’s so good looking. and for the first time in the longest time, i felt something. i got butterflies and all giddy. i even mentioned him to my friends, and started reminiscing on my old college days and the passions i had back then. i always thought i’d be living in a third world country, or somewhere foreign, doing the Lord’s work. i always imagined i’d move to Honduras (my favorite place). i started looking at homes there, and started imagining working with an organization that will help people, with housing, drug rehabilitation, SOMETHING! ANYTHING! for these past two days i’ve been feeling a little spark light up inside of me. my life is so good, on paper, but i feel dead on the inside. i love my family, i love my friends, my job, my puppy. but i’m just not happy, or feeling like i’m doing what i’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

Lord, i’m so sorry for letting myself feel this way when i’m incredibly blessed. i am grateful for all that You've allowed me to have and to experience, and i pray that i never forget that all good things come from You, and that You make things work together for our good. I pray in this moment that You wash me in Your river, and upon emerging, that i may experience a renewing of my mind and my spirit. may every aspect of my life, including my thoughts and my dreams, connect with Your will and what You have for me. may my dreams reflect the path on which You want me to embark. i’m tired of being tired. may i learn to hear Your voice and discipline myself to be better at seeking You and listening for Your voice, and yours alone. help me to be a better person physically, mentally, personally, spiritually, in every aspect of my life. that those around me, whether familiar or strangers, may see You in me. wash me clean and make me new, again and again, over and over.

Letting Go

You've brought me to the end of myself/This has been the longest road/Just when my hallelujah was tired/You gave me a new song

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes/But perfect love comes rushing in/And all the lies screamed inside go silent/The moment You begin

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

You remind me/Of things forgotten/You unwind me/Until I'm totally undone/And with Your arms around me/Fear was no match for Your love/Now You've won me

And if I lived a thousand lifetimes/And wrote a song for every day/Still there would be no way to say/How You have loved me/Oh, how You love me/And that's how You've won me

i honestly don’t know how to start this entry, so i decided to be honest and just straight out say that i don’t know what to say. i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t know where i’m going or where i should be. 

i don’t know a lot of things lately, or for a long time actually. it’s been a few years since i last wrote something, and yet i still hold onto some of the feelings i felt way back then. while i no longer have feelings for the person who lead me to start this blog in the first place, and that relationship is now only a memory, i still struggle with certainty of who i am and where i need to be. there are different situations in my life now, but the struggle is still the same. 

as i listen to this song, which is beautiful in so many ways, i can’t help but to conjure up the feelings i last felt in my last entry. i came into this thinking i would write something positive about the new year and blah blah blah. my intention was to encourage myself to let go and push forward. but i feel like i’ve already been trying to do that and i’m using a rake instead of a shovel to remove this muck in my life. instead of lifting and throwing it away, i’ve been spreading this mud into a thin layer, hoping that the sun will dry it out. but once the mud is dry, the floor is still dirty and will only continue to be a mess every time it rains. and it sucks. it really sucks.

i can’t deny it and pretend that it’s not there—the hurt, the pain, the resentment. and this doesn’t just have to do with my last relationship, which was years ago. but the more i sit and think about where i’ve been and where all of this comes from, the more i realize that, jeez, i’ve gone through a lot. and it’s not to excuse my behavior or to ask for others to pity me (please don’t…), but in order to allow God to heal you, we have to allow Him to dig through the deepest and most painful parts of our hearts and minds. through prayer God has revealed things to me that i had no idea i still held onto. and the more that happens, the more i want to stop the process. yes, i feel great after, but it’s the digging deep part that hurts. it’s like working out or going for a run—you know it’s going to cost you energy, time and possibly money, but the end result feels amazing. 

i unintentionally hide from God. all the time. and then here i come apologizing, knowing He’ll forgive me because i sing songs and read about Him having relentless love for us, and how much He yearns to hear our voice and be with us. i know that. but there i go again. and every time i think about it, even now, i find it so annoying. i mean, come on! that’s so irritating. i picture God having a special callus for every time i come running to Him. i picture God opening His arms every time i come to Him, happy that i’m there. if it were me, i’d have rolled my eyes a couple million times and called me a faker, knowing that i’d do it again. but i’m not God, and His ways are higher. i will never understand the full complexity that is God and His plans for my life. and that’s where the dilemma lies. 

ugh. 

i’m so sick of faking it. fake it until you make it. but don’t get me wrong, i love God and my faith is strong. there’s nothing that can break my relationship with God. He knows my heart, my thoughts, my desires…everything. i talk to Him throughout the day, whether it be through short prayers, questions in my head, advice, etc. i like to keep our conversations constant throughout the day. what bothers me are my actions and the natural thoughts floating around in my head. i can’t seem to forgive myself for the things i’ve done or the way i act. i don’t know, it’s complicated. maybe i’m crazy, and maybe i’m alone in thinking this way. or maybe i expect too much of myself. i think i should be a certain place in life at my age, and i’m not. it’s my daily struggle with God, me asking Him why things aren’t certain ways. i try to mask my frustration with asking for His will to be done. but if i have to be honest, and it’s something that i need to start doing more often, i’m frustrated. i’m so disappointed. like, what the hell?!?! but the moment i start to get ready to yell at God, i start to think twice. Ha, i did it just now. is this my fear, or is it God. is it okay to yell at God? i know Jacob did, but can i do it too? and do i even want to yell at God? right now, my answer is no. i want God to use me and make me whole, but does that involve me shouting out my anger? or is that of the flesh? i don’t know. i really don’t know. my relationship or approach to God has always been an open one, where i sit and wait for God to open and close doors for me, that it all may be according to His will. but why isn’t it working?

and see, that last question in itself is my frustration. i’m leaving it there to remind myself later in case i need to reread this entry. why is me not getting what i want a sign of something not working? when did i become so spoiled to think that i’m blessed if things are going my way? i wasn’t like this. and i’m totally aware of how blessed my life is. but somewhere down the line, my happiness became dependent on certain moments. in my mind, i should be married and have children by now. it’s been my desire to share my life with someone and be a mother since i was very young. the fact that it hasn’t happen yet is killing me. i’m not about to walk around desperate, acting all “thirsty,” but it does bother me. i haven’t been in a relationship for a few years now. it took a really long time to recover from the last one, and i’m not about to just jump into a new one. i’m praying for the next one to be THE one—the final one God has for me. i’m surrounded by broken marriages. i’m over here trying to stay married, so i will wait. but man, it’s hard. so hard. and i hate waiting. i really do. 

okay, this went on a lot longer than i expected, but i had a café glacé from urth and i’m on a roll. but i said what i needed to say, for now and for this song. i had arrows tattooed on my wrist to remind me that while i may plan and aim where i want my life to go, it’s not going anywhere until i let go. my new year’s resolution (eww, yes i made one [insert rolling eyes emoji]) is to go above and beyond what is required or asked of me. this also includes getting out of my own way to do what i need to do to be used by God. this means letting go of my plans, expectations, hopes, dreams, and even my crush from church. 

Lord, i know i’ve said it before, but i want to mean it more than i ever have before. help me mean what i say. give life and motion to my words, and jump-start my hopes and dreams. i need and want this more than ever before. Lord, have Your way. i let go of everything and everyone and lay it all before You. 

Hopeless Wanderer

You heard my voice/I came out of the woods by choice/The shelter also gave the shade/But in the dark I have no name
So leave that click in my head/And I will remember the words that you said/Left a cloud in mind and a heavy heart/But I was sure we could see a new start
So when your hope's on fire/But you know you your desire/Don't hold a glass over the flame/Don't let your heart grow cold/I will call you by name/I will share your road
But hold me fast, hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer/Hold me fast, hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I wrestled long with my youth/We tried so hard to live in the truth/But do not tell me all is fine/When I lose my head I lose my spine
So leave that click in my head/And I will remember the words that you said/You brought me out from the cold/Now how I long, how I long to grow old
And I will learn, I will learn/To love the skies I'm under/The skies I'm under 

In high school I took a literature class on philosophy, which taught me the basics of several literary movements throughout history. I became attached to a certain movement, Transcendentalism, which taught that society and religion make people "bad," and that if man were to be separated from that, he would learn the truth about life, learning to cherish the essentials and put aside the rest--basically becoming "good" again. It took Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson to literally move out into the woods to learn that, stripping away all luxuries and desires.

Throughout our lives we go into the woods once in a while, either by choice or by force. The most painful of course is when your comfort and what you know is stripped away from you, by surprise, and you unknowingly begin to live in the woods. At first, we scramble around trying to figure out how we got there. Sometimes the cause is known, and sometimes it's not; even when the cause is known, confusion is just as strong of an emotion as pain and loss. Little by little you learn to navigate yourself around the woods, yet remaining there because what you knew before is no longer there. For many, what was once there remains, but is no longer theirs to take back or go to.

Dark Side

There's a place that I know/It's not pretty there and few have ever gone/If I show it to you now/Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay/Even if it hurts/Even if I try to push you out/Will you return?/And remind me who I really am/Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond/From black dust/It's hard to know/What can become/If you give up/So don't give up on me/Please remind me who I really am
Don't run away/Don't run away/Just tell me that you will stay/Promise me you will stay/Don't run away/Don't run away/Just promise me you will stay/Promise me you will stay
Will you love me?
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Don't run away/Don't run away/Don't run away/Promise you'll stay

-"Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson

I don’t like choosing songs that are too obvious, which is why I didn’t post the song that describes how I’m really feeling. But I heard this song at H&M not too long ago and decided to write down as much of the lyrics as I could and find it later. The words that caught my attention are “don’t run away, don’t run away, just tell me that you will stay” and bits and pieces of the chorus. And just to answer any lingering questions you may have, yes I still think about him and no, I’m not over him. Just thought I’d get it out now. Just in case…

I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday, who is in a similar situation as mine, except he is on the other side. It was a very interesting conversation that opened my eyes to see things differently. I already knew some of the reasons why things ended with my relationship, but I didn’t fully capture them until yesterday. For so long I’ve held onto the idea that one day we’d get back together and everything will be sunshine and rainbows like before. But I came to realize that not everything was as how I remembered. I was so blinded by the good things, that I failed to see the moments that brought me down and really hurt me while I was in the relationship. Like the song says, everyone has a dark side—a side that makes the other person really question whether he/she wants to spend his/her life with you. I know my “other” side can be pretty ugly, one that even leaves me grossed out and disgusted. I look back and I see an insecure person that let little things get to me. I showed no confidence in who I was, allowing the “green-eyed monster” to really bring me down and attack the person I cared about most. I don’t blame him for making that one of the top reasons why he made his choice, as I might have done the same thing. BUT (and I place a huge emphasis on that one), that to me was not enough.

The same way I have a dark side, so does he. I’m not about to go into details because it’s not my business to be sharing others’ “sides” other than my own. However, I did a lot to keep things rolling and to make sure things were good at the end of the day. I made a lot of sacrifices and put up with a lot. I chose not to run away when things got rough, and I chose not to hide when things came flying towards me to bring us down. My friend made me realize last night that it shouldn’t have to be that way. I shouldn’t have to fight for anyone’s attention or to hope that I’m the only one he has eyes for. When it’s right and meant to be, things will fall into place. I have a lot I need to work on, and so does he. I’m not saying that we’re meant to be together, but if things were to ever go back to the way they were, we’d both have to change. I refuse to be the girl I used to be. I refuse to let the little things bring me down. I won’t fall for words as easily as I once did. Actions most definitely speak louder than words, and this year has definitely shown me that.

Above all, I’ve learned about patience. God has a purpose for everything. Not everything is caused by God, but He does permit things to happen. Every day I question why God allows certain things to happen to me, or why He allows me to feel or not feel certain things. In the end, the answer is always to wait—wait for what you ask for or wait for something better. I pray for the latter. I want something better than what I had. I want it all—magic, love, happiness, blessings, kindness, tenderness, sacrifice, forgiveness…everything! I don’t know when things will fall into place, but when they do, they’ll be just right. No more running away. No more hiding. There will be love in the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the painful, the worst, and best. There will be love.

My Blood

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That feeling that doesn't go away just did/And I walked a thousand miles to prove it/And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts/The colour of my blood is all I see on the rocks/As you sail from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me/My bones will bleach/My flesh will flee/So help my lifeless frame to breathe
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
The lost dreams I buried in my sleep for him/And this was the ecstacy of love forgotten/And I'm thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets/And my blood is all I see/As you steal my soul from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
"My Blood"  Ellie Goulding

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I write for myself, and only for myself. I don’t write so that someone could see this and feel bad for me. I write because this is how I release the thoughts in my head. I write because I have no other way to let the dreams out. I write because I cannot speak the words that I wish I could say. I mean, I’m not afraid to speak them, but I know that my words have consequences and I have learned that some words and emotions are better left unsaid. So this is why I write…

For a long time I thought this was the end. Until recently, I thought that there was no way that I would get to feel the love I gave returned to me. But unfortunately for me, that didn’t last very long, leaving me with the same bitterness that I felt on that one July afternoon. Once again I’m left with my mouth wide open, in awe of the situation. Once again I messed things up by letting my mouth and my emotions get the best of me and “kill it.”

It’s funny how when you’re alone you have the time and confidence to plan out how certain situations would go down if you ever crossed those paths. In my mind, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and say if I ever got the opportunity to confront the actions that had me down in a hole for such a long time. I imagined myself as a tough figure, saying “no” to everything and being cold-hearted. But of course, like always, things didn’t go as planned. And now I’m left watching my dreams sail away from me…again.

For so long I let the waves crash over me, thinking that it was part of the journey and that the wait and pain would be worth it. But now I feel exactly as you’d think someone would feel after getting pounded by wave after wave—exhausted. I’m tired! More than anything, I’m frustrated and angry with myself for allowing these feelings and emotions flood over me like a little girl (how ironic…) I’m disappointed with the fact that I’m left standing here all alone, once again.

This song speaks volumes to me. I don’t even want to talk about it because I’ll kill it, like I do with everything else I touch or love. I don’t know of any relationship that I have (boys, friends, family, etc.) or have had, that I’ve messed up or tainted at some point. I’ve managed to ruin almost every single thing that I love. Everything has changed; nothing is the same. I look around me, and like the song says, I see my blood all over. All of the work, time and dedication that I’ve poured over everything have disintegrated, bringing a sense of loss, as though it’s all gone to waste.

I never asked for this kind of life. You might be reading this and think that I don’t know that I’m talking about. But then again, I don’t share everything for the sake of those whose lives I’ve messed with, or for those whose mistakes/choices have changed the way I live every day. I never, in a million years, would have guessed that at this age I’d be where I am and have gone through even the things that have happened this year alone. I’ve been kicked out of my house, had my car broken into, had my heart broken by the person I considered the love of my life, and recently got hit by a car while crossing a street. No I’m not starving, no I’m not homeless anymore and no I’m not jobless. But there’s only so much emotional damage within a certain amount of time that one can take. I can honestly say that I’m exhausted. I’m genuinely exhausted of being tossed around. I don’t know what God’s purpose with all of this is, but I know it has to be a good one. I’m waiting for the day when I can finally breathe in deeply and say, “Ooohhh…that’s why!”

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, White shirt/Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn/It was like James Dean, for sure/You so fresh to death & sick as ca-cancer/You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop/But you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and I know/That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!
...But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died/I told you I wanted more-but that not what I had in mind/I just want it like before/We were dancin' all night/Then they took you away- stole you out of my life/You just need to remember...

I will love you till the end of time/I would wait a million years/Promise you'll remember that you're mine/Baby can you see through the tears?/Love you more/Than those bitches before/Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember/I will love you till the end of time

There's so much power in story-telling, especially through music. By sharing your own, singular, unique experience, you have the power to connect to so many. You may feel like you're the only person in the whole world going through whatever you're experiencing, but as it turns out, you're just like everybody else. Everyone goes through a break up, everyone loses someone they love--a boyfriend, a family member, a close friend...someone. You hear a song on the radio that describes EXACTLY what you're feeling and going through, and somehow, along with the possible hundreds, thousands of people who have heard that song, you make it your own. It's the memories that you keep with you that make your story unique from the old-time story of love that was lost.

I still remember exactly how everything began. I can describe every scene as if it was a couple of weeks ago. And as I remember those times, I can also pinpoint and recall the moments that may have led to the state that I'm in right now. I've had a lot of time to think, now that I've distanced myself from the world that I could boldly say was mine. The separation wasn't intentional, as it was the only way I could cope with the blow that I took from the moment "we" turned into "just me."  I'm definitely not the same person that I was, and in a way it's a good thing. I loved unconditionally, and I don't know if I can love that way for a while. But what I do know is that I've learned my lesson on love and who to give my heart away to. For three years I loved like he was the last, not realizing that I wouldn't be his last. The same thing happened when I was younger--I held back at the beginning because I was unsure, and when I finally let go, he lost interest. Now that it's happened twice, I'm beginning to see that I've been opening up to the wrong guys. Don't get me wrong, though, because I don't regret anything. I can still say that I'm thankful to God for those three years, because he truly was my best friend. But that's what I get for following my heart and not my head.

True love is a thing of mystery, and I can say that it comes from God. I think what we had was true love, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He will always mean something special to me, because it was true and honest. But, that was the past, and that's where it shall remain. From now on it's about me and God. I know I've said that before, but new findings have led to me to embrace that. I know that God is preparing me to do something great, and somewhere out there is the one that God has for me. Whether he's ready or not, one day he'll be mine and I'll be his. Until then, I will continue to wait on the Lord, seeking Him as He guides and strengthens me. I truly, really just want to worship. I haven't felt this urge to do so since before the breakup. Something inside of me is longing to fly and soar and just be free, getting lost in the music as my praises reach the throne of the almighty Creator. I feel the passion stirring up inside of me, and I need to let it out. Hopefully God can direct me to an outlet. God, have Your way in me. I'm all yours...here I am!

In My Place

In my place, in my place/Were lines that I couldn't change/I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost/Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed/I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Yeah how long must you pay for it?/Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Oh for it

I was scared, I was scared/Tired and under prepared/But I wait for it

I love a good crowd. Man, that Glastonbury Festival looks AMAZING! I checked the price and it's ...umm...yeah it's gonna take a bit more saving up. But one day I'll go!

Anyways, yeah  I haven't written in a while. Even now I'm hesitant as I write this entry. I don't have much to say other than the fact that I'm still in the same place that I've been in. I'm trying...I really am. I started singing again. When the "situation" happened, I decided to take a break from church so that I could give myself a chance to get over everything, and to give him his own space and freedom. But I've been stuck in a hole of memories, feelings, emotions...madness! And the worst part is that as much as I try, I can't get out. I'm totally ready to move on--my head knows what happened and tells me that I have to keep going, and that there's someone out there that's going to love me unconditionally and never leave me. But my heart can't...it just won't. It's been a while already and I still have to remind myself every time that I wake up that this is my life now. Even a little nap doesn't let me forget because even then he's in my dreams.

I'm looking at what I'm writing and going through what I feel and think every day and I have to say that I sound pretty pathetic. I mean, this is so dumb! Ugh! I've even tried forcing myself to "like" someone else (or 2) but nothing works because it's not real. I'm trying to forget. I know there's still hope for me (obviously), but I need it to come quick! I know God told me to wait, so I'm holding on to that. I have no idea what He wants me to wait for, but I know that whatever it is, it's for my own good. I just have to keep doing my part in my relationship with God and continue to wait for Him, as I strive to seek His will for me daily. One thing I've learned is that I must keep praying. As hard as it may be, and even though I still haven't received the peace that I long for, I have to keep going. I continue to pray for that kid, asking God to protect him and to begin revealing the plans He has for him. I still care about him, but I know that all I can do now is pray for him as a brother in Christ, and that's it. I have to keep moving and waiting...I must!