River

Been traveling these wide roads for so long/My heart’s been far from you/Ten-thousand miles gone

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

In my darkness I remember/Momma’s words reoccur to me/"Surrender to the good Lord/And he’ll wipe your slate clean"

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Oh, go on/Take me to your river/I wanna know

Tip me in your smooth waters/I go in/As a man with many crimes/Come up for air/As my sins flow down the Jordan

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Go on,Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/I wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Lord, please let me know/Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I was honestly just going to let it all out on a word document or something, but I figured I might as well record it, for future purposes (I guess...)

I haven't been sleeping very well. Actually, I can't remember the last time I got a good night's rest without being disturbed by my own dreams, or twisting and turning about fifty million times. I want to say that it all started when I was in school. i remember being able to fall asleep in one position and wake up in the same one, but that was so long ago. 

i'm so tired. i'm so very tired. i feel like i've been going non-stop for the longest time, and no matter how many hours of sleep i get, or don't get, i'm still so tired. it's a bit more than a burned out feeling, because it feels like it's actually part of me now. in spanish, there are two words to describe oneself-- "ser" and "estar". Both of these translate to "to be" in english, but they are so very different. "Estar" is a temporary state, such as moods or feelings. For example, "estoy triste" or "estoy feliz," which are i am sad and i am happy. these are both temporary states. "ser" is who you are, in a more permanent state. "soy una mujer" or "soy jocy" are I am a woman and I am jocy. those two are things that i cannot change because they are who i am. that was sort of a long explanation to my next point, but i felt that it was necessary. i want to make sure that i understand what i'm about to confess to myself. I AM TIRED. i am a tired person. i’m constantly in a state of tiredness. and no matter what i do, this feeling just doesn’t go away. it’s past a point of just feeling lethargic or lazy. idk. now i just feel like i’m complaining, but i honestly don’t know what else to feel or say or do or think. 

my point to coming here and venting was because, although i’m physically tired, my mind continues to race like no other. i can be exhausted and soooo ready for bed, and i have no problem getting to sleep. but once my mind enters that dream zone, it’s as if i’m wide awake. i feel every emotion on my dream. when i wake up, i have a hard time distinguishing what was real and what was part of the dream. everything just feels so real in my dream world. at times, i feel like i can even control my dreams, as if i’ve consciously helped make decisions in my dream. it’s weird. even now i’m having a hard time explaining myself because it doesn’t even make sense to me. 

here and there my ex boyfriend will pop up, or other guys that i see either at work or at church. and for the longest time i had a crush on a guy at church, but i can say that i’ve probably only dreamt with him less than five times. nothing ever happens with those guys, like romantically. they’re just there, chillin or having conversations. recently i’ve started dreaming with this other guy at church, where he just comes along on my adventures, like a buddy. it’s weird. idk. last night i dreamt that i was going to have lunch with Phil Jackson and Trevor Arriza, and Shaq stopped by for a while to say hi. it was cool. 

anyways, with all of these dreams and just feeling tired, i feel like i’ve lost touch with myself, and what God has planned for my life. i’m in a limbo between a tired reality and an overactive subconscious. everything, in this exact moment as i’m writing this, feels so underwhelming. it’s not a secret that i don’t feel accomplished in life. maybe i set the bar too high for myself, or i’m basing my standards on norms that are no longer the case anymore. i know that i’m immensely blessed to live the life that i’m living. but something just doesn’t feel right. when i was younger, more specifically in college, i felt such fire and passion for certain things, and i was sure that i would continue doing those things. but so much has happened since then, and as much as i want to believe otherwise, i’m not that girl anymore. i wish with my whole heart that i was, but i’m not. 

no other song speaks to my life as much as this one does. i first heard of leon bridges last year while having lunch at grand central market with jair and claudia, and i just had to shazaam what was playing. for a whole week straight, his album was all i listened to. but this song…oh this song. it’s one of those that you can keep on repeat for hours on end. as i’m listening to it, the strumming reminds me of old youth group days where in a moment of surrender, it’s just you and God, and the guitar is simply there to keep pushing you up so that you don’t fall back. 

i know that i am in constant need for God, and i know that He will forgive me, but sometimes i just feel so dirty and unworthy. and i’m not even doing anything crazy, as in going astray or whatever. i’m just so “blah” about everything, that i feel like i’m sinning. is that weird? 

two days ago i was reminded of this guy i saw yeeeeears ago. he’s a friend of a friend, and i’m trying to remember if i even met the guy. he’s younger, so i never thought anything could happen. i was staying with my friend for a good while, so i would see his friend every so often, and i thought he was super cute. anyways, i forgot about him until two days ago. i looked him up and oh jeez he’s so good looking. and for the first time in the longest time, i felt something. i got butterflies and all giddy. i even mentioned him to my friends, and started reminiscing on my old college days and the passions i had back then. i always thought i’d be living in a third world country, or somewhere foreign, doing the Lord’s work. i always imagined i’d move to Honduras (my favorite place). i started looking at homes there, and started imagining working with an organization that will help people, with housing, drug rehabilitation, SOMETHING! ANYTHING! for these past two days i’ve been feeling a little spark light up inside of me. my life is so good, on paper, but i feel dead on the inside. i love my family, i love my friends, my job, my puppy. but i’m just not happy, or feeling like i’m doing what i’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

Lord, i’m so sorry for letting myself feel this way when i’m incredibly blessed. i am grateful for all that You've allowed me to have and to experience, and i pray that i never forget that all good things come from You, and that You make things work together for our good. I pray in this moment that You wash me in Your river, and upon emerging, that i may experience a renewing of my mind and my spirit. may every aspect of my life, including my thoughts and my dreams, connect with Your will and what You have for me. may my dreams reflect the path on which You want me to embark. i’m tired of being tired. may i learn to hear Your voice and discipline myself to be better at seeking You and listening for Your voice, and yours alone. help me to be a better person physically, mentally, personally, spiritually, in every aspect of my life. that those around me, whether familiar or strangers, may see You in me. wash me clean and make me new, again and again, over and over.

Letting Go

You've brought me to the end of myself/This has been the longest road/Just when my hallelujah was tired/You gave me a new song

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes/But perfect love comes rushing in/And all the lies screamed inside go silent/The moment You begin

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

You remind me/Of things forgotten/You unwind me/Until I'm totally undone/And with Your arms around me/Fear was no match for Your love/Now You've won me

And if I lived a thousand lifetimes/And wrote a song for every day/Still there would be no way to say/How You have loved me/Oh, how You love me/And that's how You've won me

i honestly don’t know how to start this entry, so i decided to be honest and just straight out say that i don’t know what to say. i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t know where i’m going or where i should be. 

i don’t know a lot of things lately, or for a long time actually. it’s been a few years since i last wrote something, and yet i still hold onto some of the feelings i felt way back then. while i no longer have feelings for the person who lead me to start this blog in the first place, and that relationship is now only a memory, i still struggle with certainty of who i am and where i need to be. there are different situations in my life now, but the struggle is still the same. 

as i listen to this song, which is beautiful in so many ways, i can’t help but to conjure up the feelings i last felt in my last entry. i came into this thinking i would write something positive about the new year and blah blah blah. my intention was to encourage myself to let go and push forward. but i feel like i’ve already been trying to do that and i’m using a rake instead of a shovel to remove this muck in my life. instead of lifting and throwing it away, i’ve been spreading this mud into a thin layer, hoping that the sun will dry it out. but once the mud is dry, the floor is still dirty and will only continue to be a mess every time it rains. and it sucks. it really sucks.

i can’t deny it and pretend that it’s not there—the hurt, the pain, the resentment. and this doesn’t just have to do with my last relationship, which was years ago. but the more i sit and think about where i’ve been and where all of this comes from, the more i realize that, jeez, i’ve gone through a lot. and it’s not to excuse my behavior or to ask for others to pity me (please don’t…), but in order to allow God to heal you, we have to allow Him to dig through the deepest and most painful parts of our hearts and minds. through prayer God has revealed things to me that i had no idea i still held onto. and the more that happens, the more i want to stop the process. yes, i feel great after, but it’s the digging deep part that hurts. it’s like working out or going for a run—you know it’s going to cost you energy, time and possibly money, but the end result feels amazing. 

i unintentionally hide from God. all the time. and then here i come apologizing, knowing He’ll forgive me because i sing songs and read about Him having relentless love for us, and how much He yearns to hear our voice and be with us. i know that. but there i go again. and every time i think about it, even now, i find it so annoying. i mean, come on! that’s so irritating. i picture God having a special callus for every time i come running to Him. i picture God opening His arms every time i come to Him, happy that i’m there. if it were me, i’d have rolled my eyes a couple million times and called me a faker, knowing that i’d do it again. but i’m not God, and His ways are higher. i will never understand the full complexity that is God and His plans for my life. and that’s where the dilemma lies. 

ugh. 

i’m so sick of faking it. fake it until you make it. but don’t get me wrong, i love God and my faith is strong. there’s nothing that can break my relationship with God. He knows my heart, my thoughts, my desires…everything. i talk to Him throughout the day, whether it be through short prayers, questions in my head, advice, etc. i like to keep our conversations constant throughout the day. what bothers me are my actions and the natural thoughts floating around in my head. i can’t seem to forgive myself for the things i’ve done or the way i act. i don’t know, it’s complicated. maybe i’m crazy, and maybe i’m alone in thinking this way. or maybe i expect too much of myself. i think i should be a certain place in life at my age, and i’m not. it’s my daily struggle with God, me asking Him why things aren’t certain ways. i try to mask my frustration with asking for His will to be done. but if i have to be honest, and it’s something that i need to start doing more often, i’m frustrated. i’m so disappointed. like, what the hell?!?! but the moment i start to get ready to yell at God, i start to think twice. Ha, i did it just now. is this my fear, or is it God. is it okay to yell at God? i know Jacob did, but can i do it too? and do i even want to yell at God? right now, my answer is no. i want God to use me and make me whole, but does that involve me shouting out my anger? or is that of the flesh? i don’t know. i really don’t know. my relationship or approach to God has always been an open one, where i sit and wait for God to open and close doors for me, that it all may be according to His will. but why isn’t it working?

and see, that last question in itself is my frustration. i’m leaving it there to remind myself later in case i need to reread this entry. why is me not getting what i want a sign of something not working? when did i become so spoiled to think that i’m blessed if things are going my way? i wasn’t like this. and i’m totally aware of how blessed my life is. but somewhere down the line, my happiness became dependent on certain moments. in my mind, i should be married and have children by now. it’s been my desire to share my life with someone and be a mother since i was very young. the fact that it hasn’t happen yet is killing me. i’m not about to walk around desperate, acting all “thirsty,” but it does bother me. i haven’t been in a relationship for a few years now. it took a really long time to recover from the last one, and i’m not about to just jump into a new one. i’m praying for the next one to be THE one—the final one God has for me. i’m surrounded by broken marriages. i’m over here trying to stay married, so i will wait. but man, it’s hard. so hard. and i hate waiting. i really do. 

okay, this went on a lot longer than i expected, but i had a café glacé from urth and i’m on a roll. but i said what i needed to say, for now and for this song. i had arrows tattooed on my wrist to remind me that while i may plan and aim where i want my life to go, it’s not going anywhere until i let go. my new year’s resolution (eww, yes i made one [insert rolling eyes emoji]) is to go above and beyond what is required or asked of me. this also includes getting out of my own way to do what i need to do to be used by God. this means letting go of my plans, expectations, hopes, dreams, and even my crush from church. 

Lord, i know i’ve said it before, but i want to mean it more than i ever have before. help me mean what i say. give life and motion to my words, and jump-start my hopes and dreams. i need and want this more than ever before. Lord, have Your way. i let go of everything and everyone and lay it all before You.