Hopeless Wanderer

You heard my voice/I came out of the woods by choice/The shelter also gave the shade/But in the dark I have no name
So leave that click in my head/And I will remember the words that you said/Left a cloud in mind and a heavy heart/But I was sure we could see a new start
So when your hope's on fire/But you know you your desire/Don't hold a glass over the flame/Don't let your heart grow cold/I will call you by name/I will share your road
But hold me fast, hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer/Hold me fast, hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I wrestled long with my youth/We tried so hard to live in the truth/But do not tell me all is fine/When I lose my head I lose my spine
So leave that click in my head/And I will remember the words that you said/You brought me out from the cold/Now how I long, how I long to grow old
And I will learn, I will learn/To love the skies I'm under/The skies I'm under 

In high school I took a literature class on philosophy, which taught me the basics of several literary movements throughout history. I became attached to a certain movement, Transcendentalism, which taught that society and religion make people "bad," and that if man were to be separated from that, he would learn the truth about life, learning to cherish the essentials and put aside the rest--basically becoming "good" again. It took Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson to literally move out into the woods to learn that, stripping away all luxuries and desires.

Throughout our lives we go into the woods once in a while, either by choice or by force. The most painful of course is when your comfort and what you know is stripped away from you, by surprise, and you unknowingly begin to live in the woods. At first, we scramble around trying to figure out how we got there. Sometimes the cause is known, and sometimes it's not; even when the cause is known, confusion is just as strong of an emotion as pain and loss. Little by little you learn to navigate yourself around the woods, yet remaining there because what you knew before is no longer there. For many, what was once there remains, but is no longer theirs to take back or go to.

Dark Side

There's a place that I know/It's not pretty there and few have ever gone/If I show it to you now/Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay/Even if it hurts/Even if I try to push you out/Will you return?/And remind me who I really am/Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond/From black dust/It's hard to know/What can become/If you give up/So don't give up on me/Please remind me who I really am
Don't run away/Don't run away/Just tell me that you will stay/Promise me you will stay/Don't run away/Don't run away/Just promise me you will stay/Promise me you will stay
Will you love me?
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Don't run away/Don't run away/Don't run away/Promise you'll stay

-"Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson

I don’t like choosing songs that are too obvious, which is why I didn’t post the song that describes how I’m really feeling. But I heard this song at H&M not too long ago and decided to write down as much of the lyrics as I could and find it later. The words that caught my attention are “don’t run away, don’t run away, just tell me that you will stay” and bits and pieces of the chorus. And just to answer any lingering questions you may have, yes I still think about him and no, I’m not over him. Just thought I’d get it out now. Just in case…

I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday, who is in a similar situation as mine, except he is on the other side. It was a very interesting conversation that opened my eyes to see things differently. I already knew some of the reasons why things ended with my relationship, but I didn’t fully capture them until yesterday. For so long I’ve held onto the idea that one day we’d get back together and everything will be sunshine and rainbows like before. But I came to realize that not everything was as how I remembered. I was so blinded by the good things, that I failed to see the moments that brought me down and really hurt me while I was in the relationship. Like the song says, everyone has a dark side—a side that makes the other person really question whether he/she wants to spend his/her life with you. I know my “other” side can be pretty ugly, one that even leaves me grossed out and disgusted. I look back and I see an insecure person that let little things get to me. I showed no confidence in who I was, allowing the “green-eyed monster” to really bring me down and attack the person I cared about most. I don’t blame him for making that one of the top reasons why he made his choice, as I might have done the same thing. BUT (and I place a huge emphasis on that one), that to me was not enough.

The same way I have a dark side, so does he. I’m not about to go into details because it’s not my business to be sharing others’ “sides” other than my own. However, I did a lot to keep things rolling and to make sure things were good at the end of the day. I made a lot of sacrifices and put up with a lot. I chose not to run away when things got rough, and I chose not to hide when things came flying towards me to bring us down. My friend made me realize last night that it shouldn’t have to be that way. I shouldn’t have to fight for anyone’s attention or to hope that I’m the only one he has eyes for. When it’s right and meant to be, things will fall into place. I have a lot I need to work on, and so does he. I’m not saying that we’re meant to be together, but if things were to ever go back to the way they were, we’d both have to change. I refuse to be the girl I used to be. I refuse to let the little things bring me down. I won’t fall for words as easily as I once did. Actions most definitely speak louder than words, and this year has definitely shown me that.

Above all, I’ve learned about patience. God has a purpose for everything. Not everything is caused by God, but He does permit things to happen. Every day I question why God allows certain things to happen to me, or why He allows me to feel or not feel certain things. In the end, the answer is always to wait—wait for what you ask for or wait for something better. I pray for the latter. I want something better than what I had. I want it all—magic, love, happiness, blessings, kindness, tenderness, sacrifice, forgiveness…everything! I don’t know when things will fall into place, but when they do, they’ll be just right. No more running away. No more hiding. There will be love in the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the painful, the worst, and best. There will be love.

My Blood

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That feeling that doesn't go away just did/And I walked a thousand miles to prove it/And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts/The colour of my blood is all I see on the rocks/As you sail from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me/My bones will bleach/My flesh will flee/So help my lifeless frame to breathe
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
The lost dreams I buried in my sleep for him/And this was the ecstacy of love forgotten/And I'm thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets/And my blood is all I see/As you steal my soul from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
"My Blood"  Ellie Goulding

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I write for myself, and only for myself. I don’t write so that someone could see this and feel bad for me. I write because this is how I release the thoughts in my head. I write because I have no other way to let the dreams out. I write because I cannot speak the words that I wish I could say. I mean, I’m not afraid to speak them, but I know that my words have consequences and I have learned that some words and emotions are better left unsaid. So this is why I write…

For a long time I thought this was the end. Until recently, I thought that there was no way that I would get to feel the love I gave returned to me. But unfortunately for me, that didn’t last very long, leaving me with the same bitterness that I felt on that one July afternoon. Once again I’m left with my mouth wide open, in awe of the situation. Once again I messed things up by letting my mouth and my emotions get the best of me and “kill it.”

It’s funny how when you’re alone you have the time and confidence to plan out how certain situations would go down if you ever crossed those paths. In my mind, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and say if I ever got the opportunity to confront the actions that had me down in a hole for such a long time. I imagined myself as a tough figure, saying “no” to everything and being cold-hearted. But of course, like always, things didn’t go as planned. And now I’m left watching my dreams sail away from me…again.

For so long I let the waves crash over me, thinking that it was part of the journey and that the wait and pain would be worth it. But now I feel exactly as you’d think someone would feel after getting pounded by wave after wave—exhausted. I’m tired! More than anything, I’m frustrated and angry with myself for allowing these feelings and emotions flood over me like a little girl (how ironic…) I’m disappointed with the fact that I’m left standing here all alone, once again.

This song speaks volumes to me. I don’t even want to talk about it because I’ll kill it, like I do with everything else I touch or love. I don’t know of any relationship that I have (boys, friends, family, etc.) or have had, that I’ve messed up or tainted at some point. I’ve managed to ruin almost every single thing that I love. Everything has changed; nothing is the same. I look around me, and like the song says, I see my blood all over. All of the work, time and dedication that I’ve poured over everything have disintegrated, bringing a sense of loss, as though it’s all gone to waste.

I never asked for this kind of life. You might be reading this and think that I don’t know that I’m talking about. But then again, I don’t share everything for the sake of those whose lives I’ve messed with, or for those whose mistakes/choices have changed the way I live every day. I never, in a million years, would have guessed that at this age I’d be where I am and have gone through even the things that have happened this year alone. I’ve been kicked out of my house, had my car broken into, had my heart broken by the person I considered the love of my life, and recently got hit by a car while crossing a street. No I’m not starving, no I’m not homeless anymore and no I’m not jobless. But there’s only so much emotional damage within a certain amount of time that one can take. I can honestly say that I’m exhausted. I’m genuinely exhausted of being tossed around. I don’t know what God’s purpose with all of this is, but I know it has to be a good one. I’m waiting for the day when I can finally breathe in deeply and say, “Ooohhh…that’s why!”

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, White shirt/Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn/It was like James Dean, for sure/You so fresh to death & sick as ca-cancer/You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop/But you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and I know/That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!
...But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died/I told you I wanted more-but that not what I had in mind/I just want it like before/We were dancin' all night/Then they took you away- stole you out of my life/You just need to remember...

I will love you till the end of time/I would wait a million years/Promise you'll remember that you're mine/Baby can you see through the tears?/Love you more/Than those bitches before/Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember/I will love you till the end of time

There's so much power in story-telling, especially through music. By sharing your own, singular, unique experience, you have the power to connect to so many. You may feel like you're the only person in the whole world going through whatever you're experiencing, but as it turns out, you're just like everybody else. Everyone goes through a break up, everyone loses someone they love--a boyfriend, a family member, a close friend...someone. You hear a song on the radio that describes EXACTLY what you're feeling and going through, and somehow, along with the possible hundreds, thousands of people who have heard that song, you make it your own. It's the memories that you keep with you that make your story unique from the old-time story of love that was lost.

I still remember exactly how everything began. I can describe every scene as if it was a couple of weeks ago. And as I remember those times, I can also pinpoint and recall the moments that may have led to the state that I'm in right now. I've had a lot of time to think, now that I've distanced myself from the world that I could boldly say was mine. The separation wasn't intentional, as it was the only way I could cope with the blow that I took from the moment "we" turned into "just me."  I'm definitely not the same person that I was, and in a way it's a good thing. I loved unconditionally, and I don't know if I can love that way for a while. But what I do know is that I've learned my lesson on love and who to give my heart away to. For three years I loved like he was the last, not realizing that I wouldn't be his last. The same thing happened when I was younger--I held back at the beginning because I was unsure, and when I finally let go, he lost interest. Now that it's happened twice, I'm beginning to see that I've been opening up to the wrong guys. Don't get me wrong, though, because I don't regret anything. I can still say that I'm thankful to God for those three years, because he truly was my best friend. But that's what I get for following my heart and not my head.

True love is a thing of mystery, and I can say that it comes from God. I think what we had was true love, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He will always mean something special to me, because it was true and honest. But, that was the past, and that's where it shall remain. From now on it's about me and God. I know I've said that before, but new findings have led to me to embrace that. I know that God is preparing me to do something great, and somewhere out there is the one that God has for me. Whether he's ready or not, one day he'll be mine and I'll be his. Until then, I will continue to wait on the Lord, seeking Him as He guides and strengthens me. I truly, really just want to worship. I haven't felt this urge to do so since before the breakup. Something inside of me is longing to fly and soar and just be free, getting lost in the music as my praises reach the throne of the almighty Creator. I feel the passion stirring up inside of me, and I need to let it out. Hopefully God can direct me to an outlet. God, have Your way in me. I'm all yours...here I am!

In My Place

In my place, in my place/Were lines that I couldn't change/I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost/Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed/I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Yeah how long must you pay for it?/Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Oh for it

I was scared, I was scared/Tired and under prepared/But I wait for it

I love a good crowd. Man, that Glastonbury Festival looks AMAZING! I checked the price and it's ...umm...yeah it's gonna take a bit more saving up. But one day I'll go!

Anyways, yeah  I haven't written in a while. Even now I'm hesitant as I write this entry. I don't have much to say other than the fact that I'm still in the same place that I've been in. I'm trying...I really am. I started singing again. When the "situation" happened, I decided to take a break from church so that I could give myself a chance to get over everything, and to give him his own space and freedom. But I've been stuck in a hole of memories, feelings, emotions...madness! And the worst part is that as much as I try, I can't get out. I'm totally ready to move on--my head knows what happened and tells me that I have to keep going, and that there's someone out there that's going to love me unconditionally and never leave me. But my heart can't...it just won't. It's been a while already and I still have to remind myself every time that I wake up that this is my life now. Even a little nap doesn't let me forget because even then he's in my dreams.

I'm looking at what I'm writing and going through what I feel and think every day and I have to say that I sound pretty pathetic. I mean, this is so dumb! Ugh! I've even tried forcing myself to "like" someone else (or 2) but nothing works because it's not real. I'm trying to forget. I know there's still hope for me (obviously), but I need it to come quick! I know God told me to wait, so I'm holding on to that. I have no idea what He wants me to wait for, but I know that whatever it is, it's for my own good. I just have to keep doing my part in my relationship with God and continue to wait for Him, as I strive to seek His will for me daily. One thing I've learned is that I must keep praying. As hard as it may be, and even though I still haven't received the peace that I long for, I have to keep going. I continue to pray for that kid, asking God to protect him and to begin revealing the plans He has for him. I still care about him, but I know that all I can do now is pray for him as a brother in Christ, and that's it. I have to keep moving and waiting...I must!

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed/When you get what you want, but not what you need/When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep/Stuck in reverse/And the tears come streaming down your face/When you lose something you can't replace/When you love someone, but it goes to waste/Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below/When you're too in love to let it go/But if you never try you'll never know/Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face/When you lose something you cannot replace/Tears stream down on your face/And I.../Tears stream down on your face/I promise you I will learn from my mistakes/Tears stream down on your face/And I...
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you 
 "Fix You" by Coldplay

 (Live at Glastonbury Festival 2011, my favorite live version!)

I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to post something about this song. Even now it doesn’t feel quite right. But if I don’t do it now, I don’t know when else I will, and I’ll just keep on postponing it. I have to say that I absolutely love this song! One of my dreams/goals in life is to go to a Coldplay concert (preferably at the Glastonbury Festival [see video above]) and be able to sing this song at the top of my lungs. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried as I’ve sat alone in my car, in my room, at the park, in my dorm or wherever. There’s just something about the lyrics and the music that mesh so well to make you feel so alive as you realize how broken you truly are. Of course, this brings to mind that only God can truly heal your wounds, but it’s nice to know that even in your human-ness, you’re not alone.

I wrote a completely different entry, but I only kept the first paragraph because the rest just didn't feel right. I thought I was ready to say what I thought I wanted to say, but I'm not. And it wouldn't have done this song any justice. I can't think of any song that describes how I'm feeling at the moment better than this one. Yeah, there are songs I wish I could connect to, but I wouldn't be real to myself. But regardless of how I'm feeling, I need to get up and move on. The whole point of me blogging is to record my thoughts and emotions so I can come back one day and be able to say "I'm fixed," with a giant smile on my face. I don't think I'm reading to jump back into the social network scene quite yet, but I have to take baby steps. I am proud to say, however, that I'm currently free from the chains of Facebook and Instagram (say whaaa? I know...). I still get my text tweets from Twitter, though, so I guess it doesn't count as a complete deliverance. But like they say, "Outta sight, outta mind!"

There are two lines from this song that speak the most to me right now: "When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?" and "When you're too in love to let it go. But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth." The first is probably why I'm so bitter about this whole situation. I gave up so much, almost everything, for this person...and look where it's left me. The second is what I'm working on. I know what I'm worth and I know who I am. I'm 24 (ouch...) and I can say that I know what I want in life. I'm not there yet, but I know exactly who I am, what my interests are and what I'm looking for. I love music (more than I can put into words), film, traveling, soccer, photography, media and I love to give. I like popcorn with tapatio and red lipstick, dancing and swimming, writing letters and I wish I lived sometime between the 40s and 50s. I like to write letters and sunflowers and sunshine make my day. I like singing out loud in my car, but my car is also my sanctuary when I want to get away (which is why it's always a mess). I like Asian and Italian food, but I also enjoy burgers any time and any day. Most of all, I love to worship God, whether it's singing or serving in a ministry. Music is my way of coming closer to God and there's nothing like that moment when my heart syncs with the words coming out of my mouth and BAM...God meets you right where you are. That's magic!  And no, this isn't an advertisement for eHarmony. This is who I am. I need to regain my self-confidence and remember that my life isn't over. I'm an individual, and yeah I got dumped (ouch...that hurt too), but I won't let that define who I am or who I will be. It's going to be a hell of a ride, but I'll let the lights guide me home and just keep going. 

Learning to Breathe

"Hello, good morning, how you been? Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that I would fall like that. Never knew that I could hurt this bad"

What a day...

I'm wide awake (yes, like the Katy Perry song). I'm aware of where I am and I'm aware of what happened to me. I'm aware that things aren't going to change and I'm aware that there's nothing that I can do about it. I got a rude awakening this weekend, but it was something that I needed. Saturday was a whirlwind of emotions that carried onto Sunday and still lingers today. I feel stuck, yet at the same time so aware of my surroundings. It's as if I'm in a hole, yet I can see the mud and dirt around me so clearly, that I understand it's shape and have come to "know" the hole...it's an understanding of an understanding. And as confusing as it sounds, it's so clear. Yeah, that's been my day so far. Welcome to my mind.

And now welcome to my heart. "This old heart of mine, been broke a thousand times..." (love that song!) I found an old journal that I started my junior year at Biola. I skimmed through the first two entries before work today, and maybe that's why I was in such a pensive mood today (but then again, when am I not?). Lately I've been trying to come up with a reason for everything that's happened to me the last couple of years. I've been trying to find why I've gone through so much crap in my life. And I'm not talking about no biggies like getting a C on a test or my goldfish dying--I'm talking major life-ruining moments. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm trying to remember when it all started and see if I can pinpoint where I made a choice that messed my life up and began this domino effect of one things after another. For sure, my household began to crumble around 2009 for reasons that I can't discuss. But that had nothing to do with me, but it sure did change my life and has effected every relationship, both friendships and romantic, that I've had ever since.

Every situation has become an obstacle on top of another obstacle that happens to be over some other mountain. It feels like I'm just being drowned under water. At first it was just that I wanted to be able to walk, and then swim. But now, I just want to be able to breathe. Blow after blow, I've taken on every situation "like a man." God has been with me every step of the way, guiding me, pulling me, stretching me out. But now, I'm just tired. I think I'm just too tired. I feel so guilty, but every morning when I wake up, after I say my little morning prayer, I say to myself "When is it going to be over? How much is enough?" as if God can't hear me. I know He listens, and I know He's working. It's the unknown and the waiting, however, that weakens me. I look around me and everyone seems to be prospering or moving on in their lives, while I'm still here...waiting. I can't help but ask God, question Him like if we're playing 21 questions, but I'm not getting any of the answers. All I can hearing is, "wait...just wait." I close my eyes and imagine myself fighting and wrestling with God or an angel like Jacob did until he got his blessing. I see myself looking ridiculous as I throw my fists up at the Almighty Creator of the universe. Only He has the magical answers that could solve all of my problems. If only He'd give me a glimpse of what my life will be like in 5 years, I think I could have some peace of mind. Who wouldn't like to know that?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. And this wasn't even what I wanted to talk about. I was going to tie in Rihanna's interview with Oprah. She mentioned Chris Brown being the love of her life and that she's come to terms that she's probably going to feel that way towards him for a very long time, and that even though she doesn't know what the future has, she's okay with just feeling that way because she knows it was real (oh man, that interview was amazing!). I know that the road I'm heading down isn't going to be easy. It's hard to love someone that still loves you too, but is trying to get over you because it's "what's best" ( - __- ) but that's what God has placed in my path. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm okay with that. I'll probably be alone for a good while, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to rush into anything because I have a lot of baggage from crap that has happened over the last couple of years, and my heart still belongs to someone else. I'm not ready to move on, and I'm okay with that. I'm just going to take it one day at a time...one breath at a time.