My Blood

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That feeling that doesn't go away just did/And I walked a thousand miles to prove it/And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts/The colour of my blood is all I see on the rocks/As you sail from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me/My bones will bleach/My flesh will flee/So help my lifeless frame to breathe
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
The lost dreams I buried in my sleep for him/And this was the ecstacy of love forgotten/And I'm thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets/And my blood is all I see/As you steal my soul from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
"My Blood"  Ellie Goulding

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I write for myself, and only for myself. I don’t write so that someone could see this and feel bad for me. I write because this is how I release the thoughts in my head. I write because I have no other way to let the dreams out. I write because I cannot speak the words that I wish I could say. I mean, I’m not afraid to speak them, but I know that my words have consequences and I have learned that some words and emotions are better left unsaid. So this is why I write…

For a long time I thought this was the end. Until recently, I thought that there was no way that I would get to feel the love I gave returned to me. But unfortunately for me, that didn’t last very long, leaving me with the same bitterness that I felt on that one July afternoon. Once again I’m left with my mouth wide open, in awe of the situation. Once again I messed things up by letting my mouth and my emotions get the best of me and “kill it.”

It’s funny how when you’re alone you have the time and confidence to plan out how certain situations would go down if you ever crossed those paths. In my mind, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and say if I ever got the opportunity to confront the actions that had me down in a hole for such a long time. I imagined myself as a tough figure, saying “no” to everything and being cold-hearted. But of course, like always, things didn’t go as planned. And now I’m left watching my dreams sail away from me…again.

For so long I let the waves crash over me, thinking that it was part of the journey and that the wait and pain would be worth it. But now I feel exactly as you’d think someone would feel after getting pounded by wave after wave—exhausted. I’m tired! More than anything, I’m frustrated and angry with myself for allowing these feelings and emotions flood over me like a little girl (how ironic…) I’m disappointed with the fact that I’m left standing here all alone, once again.

This song speaks volumes to me. I don’t even want to talk about it because I’ll kill it, like I do with everything else I touch or love. I don’t know of any relationship that I have (boys, friends, family, etc.) or have had, that I’ve messed up or tainted at some point. I’ve managed to ruin almost every single thing that I love. Everything has changed; nothing is the same. I look around me, and like the song says, I see my blood all over. All of the work, time and dedication that I’ve poured over everything have disintegrated, bringing a sense of loss, as though it’s all gone to waste.

I never asked for this kind of life. You might be reading this and think that I don’t know that I’m talking about. But then again, I don’t share everything for the sake of those whose lives I’ve messed with, or for those whose mistakes/choices have changed the way I live every day. I never, in a million years, would have guessed that at this age I’d be where I am and have gone through even the things that have happened this year alone. I’ve been kicked out of my house, had my car broken into, had my heart broken by the person I considered the love of my life, and recently got hit by a car while crossing a street. No I’m not starving, no I’m not homeless anymore and no I’m not jobless. But there’s only so much emotional damage within a certain amount of time that one can take. I can honestly say that I’m exhausted. I’m genuinely exhausted of being tossed around. I don’t know what God’s purpose with all of this is, but I know it has to be a good one. I’m waiting for the day when I can finally breathe in deeply and say, “Ooohhh…that’s why!”

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, White shirt/Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn/It was like James Dean, for sure/You so fresh to death & sick as ca-cancer/You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop/But you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and I know/That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!
...But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died/I told you I wanted more-but that not what I had in mind/I just want it like before/We were dancin' all night/Then they took you away- stole you out of my life/You just need to remember...

I will love you till the end of time/I would wait a million years/Promise you'll remember that you're mine/Baby can you see through the tears?/Love you more/Than those bitches before/Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember/I will love you till the end of time

There's so much power in story-telling, especially through music. By sharing your own, singular, unique experience, you have the power to connect to so many. You may feel like you're the only person in the whole world going through whatever you're experiencing, but as it turns out, you're just like everybody else. Everyone goes through a break up, everyone loses someone they love--a boyfriend, a family member, a close friend...someone. You hear a song on the radio that describes EXACTLY what you're feeling and going through, and somehow, along with the possible hundreds, thousands of people who have heard that song, you make it your own. It's the memories that you keep with you that make your story unique from the old-time story of love that was lost.

I still remember exactly how everything began. I can describe every scene as if it was a couple of weeks ago. And as I remember those times, I can also pinpoint and recall the moments that may have led to the state that I'm in right now. I've had a lot of time to think, now that I've distanced myself from the world that I could boldly say was mine. The separation wasn't intentional, as it was the only way I could cope with the blow that I took from the moment "we" turned into "just me."  I'm definitely not the same person that I was, and in a way it's a good thing. I loved unconditionally, and I don't know if I can love that way for a while. But what I do know is that I've learned my lesson on love and who to give my heart away to. For three years I loved like he was the last, not realizing that I wouldn't be his last. The same thing happened when I was younger--I held back at the beginning because I was unsure, and when I finally let go, he lost interest. Now that it's happened twice, I'm beginning to see that I've been opening up to the wrong guys. Don't get me wrong, though, because I don't regret anything. I can still say that I'm thankful to God for those three years, because he truly was my best friend. But that's what I get for following my heart and not my head.

True love is a thing of mystery, and I can say that it comes from God. I think what we had was true love, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He will always mean something special to me, because it was true and honest. But, that was the past, and that's where it shall remain. From now on it's about me and God. I know I've said that before, but new findings have led to me to embrace that. I know that God is preparing me to do something great, and somewhere out there is the one that God has for me. Whether he's ready or not, one day he'll be mine and I'll be his. Until then, I will continue to wait on the Lord, seeking Him as He guides and strengthens me. I truly, really just want to worship. I haven't felt this urge to do so since before the breakup. Something inside of me is longing to fly and soar and just be free, getting lost in the music as my praises reach the throne of the almighty Creator. I feel the passion stirring up inside of me, and I need to let it out. Hopefully God can direct me to an outlet. God, have Your way in me. I'm all yours...here I am!

In My Place

In my place, in my place/Were lines that I couldn't change/I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost/Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed/I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Yeah how long must you pay for it?/Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Oh for it

I was scared, I was scared/Tired and under prepared/But I wait for it

I love a good crowd. Man, that Glastonbury Festival looks AMAZING! I checked the price and it's ...umm...yeah it's gonna take a bit more saving up. But one day I'll go!

Anyways, yeah  I haven't written in a while. Even now I'm hesitant as I write this entry. I don't have much to say other than the fact that I'm still in the same place that I've been in. I'm trying...I really am. I started singing again. When the "situation" happened, I decided to take a break from church so that I could give myself a chance to get over everything, and to give him his own space and freedom. But I've been stuck in a hole of memories, feelings, emotions...madness! And the worst part is that as much as I try, I can't get out. I'm totally ready to move on--my head knows what happened and tells me that I have to keep going, and that there's someone out there that's going to love me unconditionally and never leave me. But my heart can't...it just won't. It's been a while already and I still have to remind myself every time that I wake up that this is my life now. Even a little nap doesn't let me forget because even then he's in my dreams.

I'm looking at what I'm writing and going through what I feel and think every day and I have to say that I sound pretty pathetic. I mean, this is so dumb! Ugh! I've even tried forcing myself to "like" someone else (or 2) but nothing works because it's not real. I'm trying to forget. I know there's still hope for me (obviously), but I need it to come quick! I know God told me to wait, so I'm holding on to that. I have no idea what He wants me to wait for, but I know that whatever it is, it's for my own good. I just have to keep doing my part in my relationship with God and continue to wait for Him, as I strive to seek His will for me daily. One thing I've learned is that I must keep praying. As hard as it may be, and even though I still haven't received the peace that I long for, I have to keep going. I continue to pray for that kid, asking God to protect him and to begin revealing the plans He has for him. I still care about him, but I know that all I can do now is pray for him as a brother in Christ, and that's it. I have to keep moving and waiting...I must!

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed/When you get what you want, but not what you need/When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep/Stuck in reverse/And the tears come streaming down your face/When you lose something you can't replace/When you love someone, but it goes to waste/Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below/When you're too in love to let it go/But if you never try you'll never know/Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face/When you lose something you cannot replace/Tears stream down on your face/And I.../Tears stream down on your face/I promise you I will learn from my mistakes/Tears stream down on your face/And I...
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you 
 "Fix You" by Coldplay

 (Live at Glastonbury Festival 2011, my favorite live version!)

I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to post something about this song. Even now it doesn’t feel quite right. But if I don’t do it now, I don’t know when else I will, and I’ll just keep on postponing it. I have to say that I absolutely love this song! One of my dreams/goals in life is to go to a Coldplay concert (preferably at the Glastonbury Festival [see video above]) and be able to sing this song at the top of my lungs. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried as I’ve sat alone in my car, in my room, at the park, in my dorm or wherever. There’s just something about the lyrics and the music that mesh so well to make you feel so alive as you realize how broken you truly are. Of course, this brings to mind that only God can truly heal your wounds, but it’s nice to know that even in your human-ness, you’re not alone.

I wrote a completely different entry, but I only kept the first paragraph because the rest just didn't feel right. I thought I was ready to say what I thought I wanted to say, but I'm not. And it wouldn't have done this song any justice. I can't think of any song that describes how I'm feeling at the moment better than this one. Yeah, there are songs I wish I could connect to, but I wouldn't be real to myself. But regardless of how I'm feeling, I need to get up and move on. The whole point of me blogging is to record my thoughts and emotions so I can come back one day and be able to say "I'm fixed," with a giant smile on my face. I don't think I'm reading to jump back into the social network scene quite yet, but I have to take baby steps. I am proud to say, however, that I'm currently free from the chains of Facebook and Instagram (say whaaa? I know...). I still get my text tweets from Twitter, though, so I guess it doesn't count as a complete deliverance. But like they say, "Outta sight, outta mind!"

There are two lines from this song that speak the most to me right now: "When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?" and "When you're too in love to let it go. But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth." The first is probably why I'm so bitter about this whole situation. I gave up so much, almost everything, for this person...and look where it's left me. The second is what I'm working on. I know what I'm worth and I know who I am. I'm 24 (ouch...) and I can say that I know what I want in life. I'm not there yet, but I know exactly who I am, what my interests are and what I'm looking for. I love music (more than I can put into words), film, traveling, soccer, photography, media and I love to give. I like popcorn with tapatio and red lipstick, dancing and swimming, writing letters and I wish I lived sometime between the 40s and 50s. I like to write letters and sunflowers and sunshine make my day. I like singing out loud in my car, but my car is also my sanctuary when I want to get away (which is why it's always a mess). I like Asian and Italian food, but I also enjoy burgers any time and any day. Most of all, I love to worship God, whether it's singing or serving in a ministry. Music is my way of coming closer to God and there's nothing like that moment when my heart syncs with the words coming out of my mouth and BAM...God meets you right where you are. That's magic!  And no, this isn't an advertisement for eHarmony. This is who I am. I need to regain my self-confidence and remember that my life isn't over. I'm an individual, and yeah I got dumped (ouch...that hurt too), but I won't let that define who I am or who I will be. It's going to be a hell of a ride, but I'll let the lights guide me home and just keep going. 

Learning to Breathe

"Hello, good morning, how you been? Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that I would fall like that. Never knew that I could hurt this bad"

What a day...

I'm wide awake (yes, like the Katy Perry song). I'm aware of where I am and I'm aware of what happened to me. I'm aware that things aren't going to change and I'm aware that there's nothing that I can do about it. I got a rude awakening this weekend, but it was something that I needed. Saturday was a whirlwind of emotions that carried onto Sunday and still lingers today. I feel stuck, yet at the same time so aware of my surroundings. It's as if I'm in a hole, yet I can see the mud and dirt around me so clearly, that I understand it's shape and have come to "know" the hole...it's an understanding of an understanding. And as confusing as it sounds, it's so clear. Yeah, that's been my day so far. Welcome to my mind.

And now welcome to my heart. "This old heart of mine, been broke a thousand times..." (love that song!) I found an old journal that I started my junior year at Biola. I skimmed through the first two entries before work today, and maybe that's why I was in such a pensive mood today (but then again, when am I not?). Lately I've been trying to come up with a reason for everything that's happened to me the last couple of years. I've been trying to find why I've gone through so much crap in my life. And I'm not talking about no biggies like getting a C on a test or my goldfish dying--I'm talking major life-ruining moments. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm trying to remember when it all started and see if I can pinpoint where I made a choice that messed my life up and began this domino effect of one things after another. For sure, my household began to crumble around 2009 for reasons that I can't discuss. But that had nothing to do with me, but it sure did change my life and has effected every relationship, both friendships and romantic, that I've had ever since.

Every situation has become an obstacle on top of another obstacle that happens to be over some other mountain. It feels like I'm just being drowned under water. At first it was just that I wanted to be able to walk, and then swim. But now, I just want to be able to breathe. Blow after blow, I've taken on every situation "like a man." God has been with me every step of the way, guiding me, pulling me, stretching me out. But now, I'm just tired. I think I'm just too tired. I feel so guilty, but every morning when I wake up, after I say my little morning prayer, I say to myself "When is it going to be over? How much is enough?" as if God can't hear me. I know He listens, and I know He's working. It's the unknown and the waiting, however, that weakens me. I look around me and everyone seems to be prospering or moving on in their lives, while I'm still here...waiting. I can't help but ask God, question Him like if we're playing 21 questions, but I'm not getting any of the answers. All I can hearing is, "wait...just wait." I close my eyes and imagine myself fighting and wrestling with God or an angel like Jacob did until he got his blessing. I see myself looking ridiculous as I throw my fists up at the Almighty Creator of the universe. Only He has the magical answers that could solve all of my problems. If only He'd give me a glimpse of what my life will be like in 5 years, I think I could have some peace of mind. Who wouldn't like to know that?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. And this wasn't even what I wanted to talk about. I was going to tie in Rihanna's interview with Oprah. She mentioned Chris Brown being the love of her life and that she's come to terms that she's probably going to feel that way towards him for a very long time, and that even though she doesn't know what the future has, she's okay with just feeling that way because she knows it was real (oh man, that interview was amazing!). I know that the road I'm heading down isn't going to be easy. It's hard to love someone that still loves you too, but is trying to get over you because it's "what's best" ( - __- ) but that's what God has placed in my path. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm okay with that. I'll probably be alone for a good while, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to rush into anything because I have a lot of baggage from crap that has happened over the last couple of years, and my heart still belongs to someone else. I'm not ready to move on, and I'm okay with that. I'm just going to take it one day at a time...one breath at a time.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part/You roll outta bed and down on your knees/And for the moment you can hardly breathe/Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?/No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The giving up is the hardest part/She takes you in with your crying eyes/Then all at once you have to say goodbye/Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?/No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand/Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?/No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part 

This song takes me back...waaaay way back! It feels like such a long time ago that I was in my senior year at Biola, listening to this song on repeat, along with Taylor Swift's "Breathe," for hours straight as I studied for my tests and wrote papers all night long. Right now as I went back to search for Taylor Swift's song (because I couldn't remember the name), it hit me that I was back in the same place that I was in so long ago. The heartache, the emptiness, the sadness...it all came back to me. We had broken up because my parents didn't approve and I couldn't handle the tension in my house, so I ended things. Of course, I couldn't take the pain and I had to be with him, so we got back together. And now, here we are, again, but this time reversed. If my breakups had a theme song, this would be it. And to prove how much of a great match we were, we both made this our song when we broke up the first time.

I remember it was about 2am and I had John Mayer on my ipod. I heard thing song and I froze as I remembered what it was about. I shut it off because I couldn't handle hearing it completely. As I leaned against the wall (I wrote my best papers on the floor by the door), I just sat there, thinking and trying to hold back my tears because I didn't want to wake up my roommate. I decided to check his myspace (yes...myspace...) to look as his pictures and as his profile song began to play, my heart dropped--there was John Mayer singing the same song I couldn't bare to hear moments before. At first I smiled because I thought about how alike we were...we WOULD pick the same breakup song. But then I returned to my sad/depressed state when I thought about what he must be feeling to post that song up on his myspace, in public, letting everyone know that he was sad too. For him, that was huge! It broke my heart to know and realize that I had broken his, because even though I thought I was making the right choice, he was the only one whose happiness really mattered to me. Since moving out of my house to go to college, my relationship with my family wasn't the best--they didn't take me wanting to be so independent too well and my new relationship just made things worse. At that moment, I only wanted to be with him.

Moving forward some years, here I am, laying in bed and listening to the same song on repeat. It feels as though nothing has changed and this is still the beginning. Every moment, every memory feels like a dream. And even in my dreams, as I sleep, he's all I think about. Waking up truly is the hardest part, having to remind myself that this is the life I live now. I used to fall asleep trying to imagine all the great conversations we'd have before going to sleep once we got married. And when I'd wake up, I'd close my eyes and picture what it'd be like to wake up next to my best friend, the funniest guy I know that makes me laugh even when I'm raging mad at him. It's hard to imagine my future now that he's not around. I mean, I'm still moving forward and pushing towards the same goals. Except now, I have to dream of doing all those things alone. Instead of making plans and dreaming about all of the ministries we could've started up, I'm dreaming of them alone. It gets harder and harder every day, but I know I'll get through this. I have to. God wouldn't give me dreams and a passion for changing things for Him for no reason. I just have to remember to keep breathing...

Best of You

I've got another confession to make/I'm your fool/Everyone's got their chains to break/Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?/I needed somewhere to hang my head/Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have/But had no use/I was too weak to give in/Too strong to lose/My heart is under arrest again/But I break loose/My head is giving me life or death/But I can't choose/I swear I'll never give in/I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Has someone taken your faith?/Its real, the pain you feel/You trust, you must/Confess/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Oh...

Has someone taken your faith…The life, the love you'd die to heal/The hope that starts the broken hearts/You trust, you must/Confess

I've got another confession my friend/I'm no fool/I'm getting tired of starting again/Somewhere new

"Best of You" - Foo Fighters

During my freshman year at Biola, I played a game where I had to name an animal I’d like to have as a pet and then list 3 reasons why. I had a thing for manatees at the time so I said a manatee, stating the following reasons for my choice: (1) They’re endangered and I’d like to save one, (2) people think they’re ugly but in reality they’re just misunderstood and (3) they’re so graceful in their element, doing what they do best, even if it’s just swimming. I didn’t think too much of it until time passed and I played the game again with other people. Upon telling them my reasons, one of the girls there said, “Oh, so you go for the rebellious type!” I felt like my head exploded. She said that I’m into the type of guy with a “past” and I feel like I can make a difference in his life and that I enjoy what he does even though others might not approve or think it’s cool. Now, looking back at the two relationships I’ve had, it all makes sense.

I have a heart for the “lost”. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing people surrender their lives to God in complete worship, new converts or people just trying to make daily peace with God. I have friends that used to be so involved in ministry and now they’re out doing their own things, living their own lives. It hurts me because they know the Truth, yet they’re so deep into the normality of life that they refuse (yes…refuse, whether they admit it or not) to come back to the life of worship. I feel like I’ve combined that with my last relationship. No he didn’t have the best track record, but who hasn’t done things in their past he/she regrets? It was a tough ride, going up and down a rollercoaster as you’re trying to keep pulling someone up along with you. But I enjoyed every single conversation about callings, ministry and God’s purpose. Now that I’m not there to pray with him, encourage him in the ways of God, I feel…well, helpless! I know it’s not my job to be on him 24/7, and that it definitely shouldn’t be that way in a relationship, but I truly felt like I was doing my part as a godly woman/girlfriend. I was there to support his crazy ideas and listen to all the plans he had for himself, wanting to become a preacher and bring in the lost youth—the same dreams that I have.

All of that is gone now…I lost my partner in crime. All I can do now is pray for him and ask God to continue giving him dreams and visions of what He has planned for him. Pray that God sends him a partner in crime that will push him to be a better person…all the time! Someone who won’t give up, someone that will take all of his corajes and will laugh at all of his dumb jokes, that will sing along with him in the car and give him his weekly facials. I know that saying all of this probably isn’t helping me recover, but at this point, I know that there’s nothing that I can do but just hope for the best. Someone needs to continue praying for him, even if it means just as a friend and at a distance. I just want him to be happy.