My Same

"Walking with each other, think we'll never match at all, but we do
But we do, but we do, but we do..."

can I just say that i love Adele? however, the only reason that i still listen to her is because of her poetic and oh-so-emotional lyrics. sadly, they still remind me of that dark hole i was in this summer when i listened to her music with such intensity, hoping to find some sort of remedy. i know she'll never read this, but i want to say thank you to Adele for sharing her feelings and stories with the world and for taking the time to put it together so eloquently for our souls to enjoy.

anyways, i'm glad to be where i am. of course, things could always be better (no duh!). but after the whirlwind that was 2011, i'm just happy to be standing, let alone still hold two jobs (of which one might become a permanent soon) and still be involved in my ministries. God has been beyond amazing and been sooooo good to me. i mess up time and time again and He continues to rescue me, sweep me off my feet and walk me into marvelous light. LOVE IT!!!

i'm currently in a 21 day fast from sweets, junk food and pretty much anything that i love and am obsessed with. however, due to my weight and health issues, i have decided to include certain junk food, such as meals. i can't take meals out of my diet when i need to gain weight. but oh boy, it has been extremely tough. i decided to go with sweets because i knew that it would be a struggle. i didn't want to do a no-breakfast fast because i never eat breakfast and it wouldn't be a real sacrifice. i couldn't take out another meal like lunch or dinner because my body needs it to go back to a healthy weight (i lost a lot of weight over the summer due to my depression...). so i went with what i love most, which are sweets and junk snacks like popcorn, chips, soda, cupcakes, etc. it's been difficult because of the holidays, gatherings, parties, etc., but God has helped me to be strong. He knows how many times it's crossed my mind to "cheat," but He's reminded me each time that the end result will be so much more worth a tiny cookie or cupcake.

now, the reason for my choice of song...i'm happy. God has been doing awesome things in my "relationship" with this kid. He did an amazing thing by turning "kid's" life around, having him preach and be a youth leader. not only has he changed his ways but he now has a greater mind-set; bigger is no longer impossible. he does have his moments when his struggles get the best of him, but we all fail and luckily for us, God's grace allows us to start again and continue. he actually fights for us and i've seen a change in how he acts in public and in private. we yell, scream, argue and go on about the dumbest things but this kid won't leave me! haha! that's how i know he's a keeper. there were times in the past when i worried about whether we would still be together after an argument, but each time he recognizes his emotions at the moment and assures that of course we'll still be together. boys and gentlemen reading this, a woman loves to feel secure. and i feel that along with that, a man loves to feel that his "possessions" are secure as well. i guess it's a pride thing. but yes, we may fuss and fight, but who doesn't. he makes me laugh so much and takes really good care of me. he's such a sweetheart and i can't imagine being with anyone else. our story is weird and crazy, but it works. these 2+ years have been a sunny day within a thunderstorm, but God has great plans for us and i just pray that He works with our hearts and the hearts of those who still choose not to accept this.

greater things are yet to come...

Slow Dance

"Can we wait just a minute, slow it down for a minute now baby...Tonight I wanna dance. Can you do that with your [woman] yea? Tonight I wanna groove, and let the music make you move...Forget about the world. Im groovin with my [boy]. Forget about the news, let's put on our dancin shoes. Let's not talk about the war. Do we know what they fightin for? I propose that we go to the floor and we slow dance...

Tonight I wanna dance. Can you do that with your [woman] yea? Tonight I wanna groove. Let the music make you move"

Lately, I've been feeling as if my world is spinning so fast--it just keeps spinning and spinning, faster and faster. Soon, I'm going to fall off this merry-go-round, spin out and crash. It just feels like everything's been coming at me from left and right, all at once.

I mean, (don't get me wrong) I'm grateful for all of the blessings that I've been given (two jobs), but right now everything just seems so crazy. And the part that scares me the most is that it hasn't even come into full effect. I'm stressing out about schedules and conflicting hours between my two jobs. I don't want to risk anything and I need to learn to play my cards correctly so that I don't put either of my jobs in danger. I have to figure out a way to schedule everything in a manner where I can get hours and still have time to breathe and sleep in between. The thing is that I don't want to abandon the ministries that I'm currently involved in--they're what I live for and serving God is something that I must continue doing. So, I put this situation in God's hands, knowing that He has everything under control and it will all fall according to His plans and what is best for me. 

The song reflects what I'd really like to do. I wish I could just take some time to unwind and let myself relax and let my stress and worries melt away to the sound of music. I would love to get a chance to dance the night away with my man, but it seems that life isn't lending itself to that. But soon (hopefully), I'll get my shot and I can breathe again with ease and comfort, knowing that it'll all be okay and that it'll all work out for me in the end.

Melt My Heart to Stone

"Right under my feet there's air made of bricks, pulls me down turns me weak for you. I find myself repeating like a broken tune and I'm forever excusing your intentions and I give in to my pretendings, which forgive you each time, without me knowing, they melt my heart to stone.

And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an us. I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love.

Each and every time I turn around to leave, I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed. So desperately I try to link it with my head, but instead I fall back to my knees. As you tear your way right through me, I forgive you once again. Without me knowing, You've burnt my heart to stone.

Why do you steal my hand whenever I'm standing my own ground? You build me up, then leave me dead.

Well I hear your words you made up. I say your name like there should be an us. I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love. I'm the only one in love ."

i had to post up the entire song. it's how i'm feeling right now. i'm torn in two, again, for the millionth time. as much as i want to continue, it's only hurting me more. i know that there is no obligation to me, but my feelings still need to be considered if we are both making choices and decisions. supposedly we both feel the same way about each other, but i don't seeing coming from his side. maybe the feelings really are there, but because of the fact that i'm putting myself out there, i feel like i should be getting something back as well, and i'm not. i just want someone to love me and care for me. i want someone that actually wants to be with me and spend time with me. i feel like such an idiot every time i ask and i get rejected. it shouldn't be this way. i have a lot of love to give and i know i'm a lot of fun. but if he can't see that, then i need to learn that things have to go back to the way that they were. i wish that things could keep moving forward, but if he's not ready, then there's nothing that i can do. i want him to feel the same way i do. i can't force him or pressure him. and that's the last thing that i want to do. and i would hate myself if he disappeared again because of me. that's the last thing i want. i just want to be loved.

The Zephyr Song

"take a look it's on display for you...fly away on my zephyr. i feel it more than ever. and in this perfect weather, we'll find a place together."

so, i had to end this month with my fav rhcp song. i don't know if you've noticed but all of my posts this month (except sunday's) are titles of rhcp songs. we'll see which artist i choose for september. i have a few in mind but nothing too concrete yet. anyways, this song takes me way back to when i was into skating and would go to the beach often. it just makes me feel so free, and like if i was high. haha. not sure if the song fits my feelings right now though. hmm...

things are good. i wouldn't say i'm back to normal yet though, because i still feel that sense of uncertainty. i don't know what's going to happen next, and at this point anything can happen. i'm just scared that it's all going to end again and i'll be left alone and depressed all over again. i don't want to go back to that. just thinking about it...ugh. i never want to see myself, or anyone, ever go through that again. i'm glad i'm in the position of another opportunity, but i feel like i could lose it any minute. i haven't gotten a real answer yet as to what this is, but of course i'm hoping for the best. i just want to be happy again. i just wish he could see how he really makes me feel. well, i'm pretty sure he knows. but i wish he felt the same way. sometimes i'm not sure. it feels real, but at this point, i don't know. he's being very cautious, and i totally understand; he has every right to be cautious. i guess most of it is just me. i've been living in a dark whole for months and i just want to be pulled out. i never thought the person i cared about most could put me through that, over and over again. but it's all over now...i think. i just want to be happy.

so for now, i'll just keep waiting...and waiting...and waiting...
(i guess the song did turn out to match my feelings...i just want to fly away and find a place together...)

Trono de Alabanza

"Estas sentado en gloria y majestad a la derecha del Padre celestial. Tienes dominio sobre toda potestad. Cielo y tierra reconocen Tu poder. Por eso yo te brindo lealtad. Estamos levantando un trono de alabanza para que te sientes mi Senor y mi Rey. Ven a este lugar Senor, domina sobre todo. Establece Tu reino de justicia y verdad."

Today, I just want to worship.

There's so much drama going on everywhere, and in the midst of all of it, I just want to worship. I messed up yesterday and I feel really guilty about it. On my way home last night, I thought about what I did and I remembered that I'm better than that, and that I was created for a larger purpose, which is to praise and worship the living God. There are rumors here and there about so and so, this and that is going to happen and blah blah blah. Yes, it's a bit scary but I don't anything to phase me on this day that is the Lord's. I have chosen to dedicate my time and my life to bringing praise to my King and Savior, and although it comes at a cost, I must continue to do just that--just keep on praising.

I want to encourage any worship leader and/or musician that is experiencing trials within his/her worship team or church to continue moving forward in this task that we have been given to use our talents for the honor and glory of God ALONE. We're not placed here to please others or to rise on top of others--that is what fame is for and God has not placed us in that position. God has given us talents for His honor and glory, and we can't forget that. As much as it may hurt us or tire us, we have to continue praising for the sake of bringing glory to God and expanding His kingdom. Do His will, and everything else will fall into place. Just keep on worshiping.

Give It Away

"Give it away, give it away, give it away now!"

I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, but I feel like I'm playing limbo right now. I'm constantly asking myself, "Should I? Shouldn't I?" and it's kind of scary. I don't want to lose again. I've gone through so much these past couple of months and if I mess this up (again) I'll beat myself up...big time!!! I have no idea how much to give up, how much to open up and especially how much to hold back.

I just wish I could jump in and give it everything, but I can't; it's not up to me. I have other people to think about, and ultimately that decision is not mine. I've been through this before and I have to guard my heart. This wouldn't be the first time that I believed that I had another chance, because it's happened before and I've come out of it hurt. But something about this time feels different. But I still don't know. I've had a lot of issues through all this, thinking how it was all my fault, and in part it was, but I've come out stronger because of this. I'm a good catch. I've had to learn to value myself and see myself for who I am and appreciating myself. I've got a lot to offer. But we'll see what happens. If the opportunity comes, I'll open up and give it all away again. I just want to be happy again.

Higher Ground

"I'm so glad that he let me try it again. Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin. I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then. Gonna keep on tryin' till I reach my highest ground."

second chances are like birthday presents. third, fourth and fifth chances are like diamonds and gold--you don't know how real they are until you've tested them out. but once you know they're real, you have to treat them as such, as diamonds and gold, because you could easily lose it since they're so fragile and dainty.

this time around, things are going to be different. i've grown up now. i'm not the same person i used to be a couple of months ago. once in a while my old self will try to come back, but i'm quick to punch her right in the face, and if she tries to get back up, i'll take her legs out. haha!

this is for you. this is for me. this is for us.