Dreaming with a Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part/You roll outta bed and down on your knees/And for the moment you can hardly breathe/Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?/No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The giving up is the hardest part/She takes you in with your crying eyes/Then all at once you have to say goodbye/Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?/No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand/Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?/No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part 

This song takes me back...waaaay way back! It feels like such a long time ago that I was in my senior year at Biola, listening to this song on repeat, along with Taylor Swift's "Breathe," for hours straight as I studied for my tests and wrote papers all night long. Right now as I went back to search for Taylor Swift's song (because I couldn't remember the name), it hit me that I was back in the same place that I was in so long ago. The heartache, the emptiness, the sadness...it all came back to me. We had broken up because my parents didn't approve and I couldn't handle the tension in my house, so I ended things. Of course, I couldn't take the pain and I had to be with him, so we got back together. And now, here we are, again, but this time reversed. If my breakups had a theme song, this would be it. And to prove how much of a great match we were, we both made this our song when we broke up the first time.

I remember it was about 2am and I had John Mayer on my ipod. I heard thing song and I froze as I remembered what it was about. I shut it off because I couldn't handle hearing it completely. As I leaned against the wall (I wrote my best papers on the floor by the door), I just sat there, thinking and trying to hold back my tears because I didn't want to wake up my roommate. I decided to check his myspace (yes...myspace...) to look as his pictures and as his profile song began to play, my heart dropped--there was John Mayer singing the same song I couldn't bare to hear moments before. At first I smiled because I thought about how alike we were...we WOULD pick the same breakup song. But then I returned to my sad/depressed state when I thought about what he must be feeling to post that song up on his myspace, in public, letting everyone know that he was sad too. For him, that was huge! It broke my heart to know and realize that I had broken his, because even though I thought I was making the right choice, he was the only one whose happiness really mattered to me. Since moving out of my house to go to college, my relationship with my family wasn't the best--they didn't take me wanting to be so independent too well and my new relationship just made things worse. At that moment, I only wanted to be with him.

Moving forward some years, here I am, laying in bed and listening to the same song on repeat. It feels as though nothing has changed and this is still the beginning. Every moment, every memory feels like a dream. And even in my dreams, as I sleep, he's all I think about. Waking up truly is the hardest part, having to remind myself that this is the life I live now. I used to fall asleep trying to imagine all the great conversations we'd have before going to sleep once we got married. And when I'd wake up, I'd close my eyes and picture what it'd be like to wake up next to my best friend, the funniest guy I know that makes me laugh even when I'm raging mad at him. It's hard to imagine my future now that he's not around. I mean, I'm still moving forward and pushing towards the same goals. Except now, I have to dream of doing all those things alone. Instead of making plans and dreaming about all of the ministries we could've started up, I'm dreaming of them alone. It gets harder and harder every day, but I know I'll get through this. I have to. God wouldn't give me dreams and a passion for changing things for Him for no reason. I just have to remember to keep breathing...

Best of You

I've got another confession to make/I'm your fool/Everyone's got their chains to break/Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?/I needed somewhere to hang my head/Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have/But had no use/I was too weak to give in/Too strong to lose/My heart is under arrest again/But I break loose/My head is giving me life or death/But I can't choose/I swear I'll never give in/I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Has someone taken your faith?/Its real, the pain you feel/You trust, you must/Confess/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Oh...

Has someone taken your faith…The life, the love you'd die to heal/The hope that starts the broken hearts/You trust, you must/Confess

I've got another confession my friend/I'm no fool/I'm getting tired of starting again/Somewhere new

"Best of You" - Foo Fighters

During my freshman year at Biola, I played a game where I had to name an animal I’d like to have as a pet and then list 3 reasons why. I had a thing for manatees at the time so I said a manatee, stating the following reasons for my choice: (1) They’re endangered and I’d like to save one, (2) people think they’re ugly but in reality they’re just misunderstood and (3) they’re so graceful in their element, doing what they do best, even if it’s just swimming. I didn’t think too much of it until time passed and I played the game again with other people. Upon telling them my reasons, one of the girls there said, “Oh, so you go for the rebellious type!” I felt like my head exploded. She said that I’m into the type of guy with a “past” and I feel like I can make a difference in his life and that I enjoy what he does even though others might not approve or think it’s cool. Now, looking back at the two relationships I’ve had, it all makes sense.

I have a heart for the “lost”. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing people surrender their lives to God in complete worship, new converts or people just trying to make daily peace with God. I have friends that used to be so involved in ministry and now they’re out doing their own things, living their own lives. It hurts me because they know the Truth, yet they’re so deep into the normality of life that they refuse (yes…refuse, whether they admit it or not) to come back to the life of worship. I feel like I’ve combined that with my last relationship. No he didn’t have the best track record, but who hasn’t done things in their past he/she regrets? It was a tough ride, going up and down a rollercoaster as you’re trying to keep pulling someone up along with you. But I enjoyed every single conversation about callings, ministry and God’s purpose. Now that I’m not there to pray with him, encourage him in the ways of God, I feel…well, helpless! I know it’s not my job to be on him 24/7, and that it definitely shouldn’t be that way in a relationship, but I truly felt like I was doing my part as a godly woman/girlfriend. I was there to support his crazy ideas and listen to all the plans he had for himself, wanting to become a preacher and bring in the lost youth—the same dreams that I have.

All of that is gone now…I lost my partner in crime. All I can do now is pray for him and ask God to continue giving him dreams and visions of what He has planned for him. Pray that God sends him a partner in crime that will push him to be a better person…all the time! Someone who won’t give up, someone that will take all of his corajes and will laugh at all of his dumb jokes, that will sing along with him in the car and give him his weekly facials. I know that saying all of this probably isn’t helping me recover, but at this point, I know that there’s nothing that I can do but just hope for the best. Someone needs to continue praying for him, even if it means just as a friend and at a distance. I just want him to be happy.

Stubborn Love

She'll lie and steal and cheat, and beg you from her knees/Make you think she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair/But I still love her, I don't really care
 
When we were young, Oh Oh, we did enough/When it got cold, Ooh Ooh, we bundled up/I can't be told, Ah Ah It can't be done
 
It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all/The opposite of love's indifference/Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out/And I won't leave until you come downstairs
 
So keep your head up, keep your love/keep your head up, my love [x2]/Keep your head up, keep your love
 
I don't blame you dear for running like you did, all these years/I would do the same, you best believe
The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore/I never trusted my own eyes

For two days I’ve heard this song non-stop while at work. It’s a mix of beautiful music and finding a relation to the lyrics. Throughout all of this time in this past relationship, I’ve found a small flaw in the saying, “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” If you truly are a lover, then you are a fighter—those who really love, fight to keep that love. Of course, there are exceptions when you must give up, but for the most part, a lover is a fighter. And I get that whoever said this probably meant a physical fighter…but still. Anyways, from the moment I heard the lyrics, I heard myself singing these lyrics that tell a story of someone constantly in a struggle to keep someone in their life. At first I thought the stubborn one was the person whom the writer is trying to keep. But as I continued to listen, and analyzed myself and how I fought, I realized that the writer is the stubborn one—I’m the stubborn one!

I try…trust me, I try! But it’s really hard to get someone out of your head. I’m not 16, 18 or even 21 anymore. I’ve only been in two relationships, each one lasting about 3 years. After all of that time, I’m really not into being in another relationship that lasts that long. With this last relationship, even though he was younger, I really thought that it was it. I prepared my heart for it to last forever because everything felt so right. Of course, we had people who disapproved of our relationship, but when I was with him, things just fell into place. I did everything and anything for him, and I enjoyed it, because when you love someone, you want to make them happy. Like every human, we both made mistakes that caused us to riff here and there. But in the end, we realized that what we felt for each other was stronger. I began to trust and confide in my feelings and my heart, thinking that this was going to last. Things obviously turned the other way and now I’m here writing in my blog again, late at night instead of sleeping.

I have to start stripping myself of the things that keep me hanging on. The memories need to remain memories. I need to keep my head up and realize that something better is on its way. I need to get my priorities straight and change things around. Time to think about myself. Sorry kid, you’re on your own now.

Where Does the Good Go?

(for best results, listen to the song as you read so you know what I was listening to when I wrote this...)

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow/What do you do with the left over you/And how do you know when to let go/Where does the good go/Where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive/Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go/Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love/Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be/Real happy and healthy, strong and calm/Where does the good go/Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows/How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down/What do you say it's up for grabs/Now that you're on your way down/Where does the good go/Where does the good go 

Where DOES the good go at the end of a relationship? I think that's the golden question after a breakup. Besides asking yourself, "What the heck happened?" the following question and the one that keeps you down in the struggle is "What am I supposed to do now?". Of course, the obvious answer is to move on with your life, that you're better than this, that the future holds a greater person for you...blah blah blah. And I don't mean to disrespect anyone that says it, 'cause I say it too, but in all truth, it's the truth. The right thing to do is to move on with your life and see what the next day holds for you. It's the healthy thing to do. But as much as you want to move on, you have all this "stuff" that you're left with. The longer you're in a relationship, the more "stuff" you end up with.

After almost 3 years, I was left with lots of pictures, videos, sound clips and many songs that were dedicated at one point. Every thing that I do, like, listen to, eat, is somehow related to him and brings me back. After such a long time, you become one, especially if that's who you were to begin with. I can't stress enough to younger girls to truly find a guy whom you have everything in common with who you truly are. Don't change who you are for a guy! Please! Be you and let someone love you for you! The only negative side to this is that if something happens are you're torn apart, you have nothing to fall back on because your world prior to the person you were with is the exact same world you're left with now. Your only choice is to learn to separate this person from all of your normal activities or create new ones. It sucks...but yeah...that's life.

A friend of mine replied to a tweet I posted about hearing something that reminded me of him. It definitely made me think twice about how to approach this situation. Like with every situation, you have a choice. Life is full of choices, and buddy, they're all up to you! I don't regret any single thing that happened throughout this relationship. I loved all of the fights as much as I loved all of the laughs. You have to learn to embrace everything as a whole. One thing I can say is that I am very grateful to have gone through it all; it was beautiful and some of the best times in my life. I can say that I'm definitely a better person because of this relationship. I've grown a lot and have learned a lot about myself and about true love. So for now, as I look through old pics of his conceited self, watch videos of him singing to me and listen to clips of us singing together, the good stays in my heart. It's who I am and God has allowed me to go through this for a reason.

(this was definitely NOT what I had planned to post for this song, but...oh well! I went with the flow! The original was more depressing, but you can thank me later for saving the sob story...)

  

Everybody Knows

"...I can't function the same when you're not here. Calling your name when no one's there. And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy. I still can't believe you've found somebody new. But I wish you the best, I guess...
Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows how to make it work, or how to ease the hurt.
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows just how to make it right. I wish we gave it one more try...one more try, one more try, one more try...'Cause everybody knows, nobody really knows..."
- "Everybody Knows" by John Legend

This song says it all. Everything that I've been trying to communicate is in this song. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it's part of a relationship. As I expressed yesterday, I don't think his reason was enough to end things--but what can i do? I'm just letting things be. I'll let this song do the rest of the talking for the night. Buenas noches!

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long/No matter what I say or do I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone/You hold me without touch/You keep me without chains/I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
Set me free, leave me be/I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity/Here I am and I stand so tall I'm just the way I'm supposed to be/But you're on to me and all over me
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong/But you touch me for a little while/And all my fragile strength is gone
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground/But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go/The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...You're keeping me down
 -"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

I wanted to come back to blogging in order to release some of the thoughts in my head that keep me from sleeping. But as soon as I opened the page and saw the last post, memories flashed through my mind as I reminisced the moments that made me write that post. It's amazing how time changes...how people change. It actually made me laugh and smile. I'm still trying to figure out, though, if it was a sarcastic laugh or not. Funny how love makes you so true and feel secure...and the next moment you're falling off the little cloud you set your sights on. C'est la vie!

I understand why things happened the way that they did. Or at least, I understand why those feelings could push someone to make the decisions that were made. But I don't think it was enough. Now I'm left with questions...questions that haunt my thoughts every...single...moment. It still feels unreal to me. I wake up after a beautiful dream where we have another adventure, only to have to bring myself back to the reality. Every morning is a struggle. Instead of getting easier every day, it only gets harder and harder. My heart was set, my heart was ready to spend the rest of it's life with this person, belonging to this person (other than Jesus!) and pouring out all sorts of emotions with this person. I'm not going to continue this part of my thoughts because it feels like I can go on forever. I never stop thinking. I never stop feeling.

Now, it's time for me. For almost three years (in September), I spent every moment dedicating time to this person, never leaving a doubt of the feelings I felt for him. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time--I spent such a long time investing in a future that no longer exists. I feel like Bella in "New Moon," when Edward leaves her. She's left with nothing...nothing! I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, thinking about the good times, then forcing myself to fall back asleep, remembering that it's not real anymore. And I often ask myself if I would ever go back. My heart tells me, "Duh Jocy! He's your soul-mate!" But my mind reminds me that this isn't the first time this happens, that you might not be the only one he thinks about, that something else mattered more to him than you and all that you guys went through. I think of myself as being mentally sick. How does someone go back after all that? But, like the song says, it's something more powerful than your thoughts, reasoning and logic. As much as you try to move on, there's always something pull you back down, not letting you move on. A friend of mine posted something on her husband's facebook wall, "You and I will always be unfinished business." I know all about their story, which is very similar to mine's and the kid's story. That is exactly how I feel, even at this moment. This didn't end because we lost our feelings for each other or we ourselves didn't function--we were great together! Outside factors tore us apart. I don't want to keep holding on, but I know that I will always feel something for him.

What we had was magic, and magic doesn't just disappear. But, for now, for myself, I need to worry about me. I have to be strong for myself. I know the battle is only going to get harder, but I will do what I have to do to make sure that I don't get my heart broken again. I don't think I'll date any time soon, unless someone sweeps me off my feet and I have no choice (haha...), but I need time to heal. My world fell apart, and I need time to put it back together. 

My Same

"Walking with each other, think we'll never match at all, but we do
But we do, but we do, but we do..."

can I just say that i love Adele? however, the only reason that i still listen to her is because of her poetic and oh-so-emotional lyrics. sadly, they still remind me of that dark hole i was in this summer when i listened to her music with such intensity, hoping to find some sort of remedy. i know she'll never read this, but i want to say thank you to Adele for sharing her feelings and stories with the world and for taking the time to put it together so eloquently for our souls to enjoy.

anyways, i'm glad to be where i am. of course, things could always be better (no duh!). but after the whirlwind that was 2011, i'm just happy to be standing, let alone still hold two jobs (of which one might become a permanent soon) and still be involved in my ministries. God has been beyond amazing and been sooooo good to me. i mess up time and time again and He continues to rescue me, sweep me off my feet and walk me into marvelous light. LOVE IT!!!

i'm currently in a 21 day fast from sweets, junk food and pretty much anything that i love and am obsessed with. however, due to my weight and health issues, i have decided to include certain junk food, such as meals. i can't take meals out of my diet when i need to gain weight. but oh boy, it has been extremely tough. i decided to go with sweets because i knew that it would be a struggle. i didn't want to do a no-breakfast fast because i never eat breakfast and it wouldn't be a real sacrifice. i couldn't take out another meal like lunch or dinner because my body needs it to go back to a healthy weight (i lost a lot of weight over the summer due to my depression...). so i went with what i love most, which are sweets and junk snacks like popcorn, chips, soda, cupcakes, etc. it's been difficult because of the holidays, gatherings, parties, etc., but God has helped me to be strong. He knows how many times it's crossed my mind to "cheat," but He's reminded me each time that the end result will be so much more worth a tiny cookie or cupcake.

now, the reason for my choice of song...i'm happy. God has been doing awesome things in my "relationship" with this kid. He did an amazing thing by turning "kid's" life around, having him preach and be a youth leader. not only has he changed his ways but he now has a greater mind-set; bigger is no longer impossible. he does have his moments when his struggles get the best of him, but we all fail and luckily for us, God's grace allows us to start again and continue. he actually fights for us and i've seen a change in how he acts in public and in private. we yell, scream, argue and go on about the dumbest things but this kid won't leave me! haha! that's how i know he's a keeper. there were times in the past when i worried about whether we would still be together after an argument, but each time he recognizes his emotions at the moment and assures that of course we'll still be together. boys and gentlemen reading this, a woman loves to feel secure. and i feel that along with that, a man loves to feel that his "possessions" are secure as well. i guess it's a pride thing. but yes, we may fuss and fight, but who doesn't. he makes me laugh so much and takes really good care of me. he's such a sweetheart and i can't imagine being with anyone else. our story is weird and crazy, but it works. these 2+ years have been a sunny day within a thunderstorm, but God has great plans for us and i just pray that He works with our hearts and the hearts of those who still choose not to accept this.

greater things are yet to come...