River

Been traveling these wide roads for so long/My heart’s been far from you/Ten-thousand miles gone

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

In my darkness I remember/Momma’s words reoccur to me/"Surrender to the good Lord/And he’ll wipe your slate clean"

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Oh, go on/Take me to your river/I wanna know

Tip me in your smooth waters/I go in/As a man with many crimes/Come up for air/As my sins flow down the Jordan

Oh, I wanna come near and give ya/Every part of me/But there's blood on my hands/And my lips aren’t clean

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Go on,Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/I wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know/Wanna go, wanna go, wanna go/Wanna know, wanna know, wanna know

Take me to your river/I wanna go/Lord, please let me know/Take me to your river/I wanna know

I wasn't planning on posting anything tonight. I have a lot on my mind and I was honestly just going to let it all out on a word document or something, but I figured I might as well record it, for future purposes (I guess...)

I haven't been sleeping very well. Actually, I can't remember the last time I got a good night's rest without being disturbed by my own dreams, or twisting and turning about fifty million times. I want to say that it all started when I was in school. i remember being able to fall asleep in one position and wake up in the same one, but that was so long ago. 

i'm so tired. i'm so very tired. i feel like i've been going non-stop for the longest time, and no matter how many hours of sleep i get, or don't get, i'm still so tired. it's a bit more than a burned out feeling, because it feels like it's actually part of me now. in spanish, there are two words to describe oneself-- "ser" and "estar". Both of these translate to "to be" in english, but they are so very different. "Estar" is a temporary state, such as moods or feelings. For example, "estoy triste" or "estoy feliz," which are i am sad and i am happy. these are both temporary states. "ser" is who you are, in a more permanent state. "soy una mujer" or "soy jocy" are I am a woman and I am jocy. those two are things that i cannot change because they are who i am. that was sort of a long explanation to my next point, but i felt that it was necessary. i want to make sure that i understand what i'm about to confess to myself. I AM TIRED. i am a tired person. i’m constantly in a state of tiredness. and no matter what i do, this feeling just doesn’t go away. it’s past a point of just feeling lethargic or lazy. idk. now i just feel like i’m complaining, but i honestly don’t know what else to feel or say or do or think. 

my point to coming here and venting was because, although i’m physically tired, my mind continues to race like no other. i can be exhausted and soooo ready for bed, and i have no problem getting to sleep. but once my mind enters that dream zone, it’s as if i’m wide awake. i feel every emotion on my dream. when i wake up, i have a hard time distinguishing what was real and what was part of the dream. everything just feels so real in my dream world. at times, i feel like i can even control my dreams, as if i’ve consciously helped make decisions in my dream. it’s weird. even now i’m having a hard time explaining myself because it doesn’t even make sense to me. 

here and there my ex boyfriend will pop up, or other guys that i see either at work or at church. and for the longest time i had a crush on a guy at church, but i can say that i’ve probably only dreamt with him less than five times. nothing ever happens with those guys, like romantically. they’re just there, chillin or having conversations. recently i’ve started dreaming with this other guy at church, where he just comes along on my adventures, like a buddy. it’s weird. idk. last night i dreamt that i was going to have lunch with Phil Jackson and Trevor Arriza, and Shaq stopped by for a while to say hi. it was cool. 

anyways, with all of these dreams and just feeling tired, i feel like i’ve lost touch with myself, and what God has planned for my life. i’m in a limbo between a tired reality and an overactive subconscious. everything, in this exact moment as i’m writing this, feels so underwhelming. it’s not a secret that i don’t feel accomplished in life. maybe i set the bar too high for myself, or i’m basing my standards on norms that are no longer the case anymore. i know that i’m immensely blessed to live the life that i’m living. but something just doesn’t feel right. when i was younger, more specifically in college, i felt such fire and passion for certain things, and i was sure that i would continue doing those things. but so much has happened since then, and as much as i want to believe otherwise, i’m not that girl anymore. i wish with my whole heart that i was, but i’m not. 

no other song speaks to my life as much as this one does. i first heard of leon bridges last year while having lunch at grand central market with jair and claudia, and i just had to shazaam what was playing. for a whole week straight, his album was all i listened to. but this song…oh this song. it’s one of those that you can keep on repeat for hours on end. as i’m listening to it, the strumming reminds me of old youth group days where in a moment of surrender, it’s just you and God, and the guitar is simply there to keep pushing you up so that you don’t fall back. 

i know that i am in constant need for God, and i know that He will forgive me, but sometimes i just feel so dirty and unworthy. and i’m not even doing anything crazy, as in going astray or whatever. i’m just so “blah” about everything, that i feel like i’m sinning. is that weird? 

two days ago i was reminded of this guy i saw yeeeeears ago. he’s a friend of a friend, and i’m trying to remember if i even met the guy. he’s younger, so i never thought anything could happen. i was staying with my friend for a good while, so i would see his friend every so often, and i thought he was super cute. anyways, i forgot about him until two days ago. i looked him up and oh jeez he’s so good looking. and for the first time in the longest time, i felt something. i got butterflies and all giddy. i even mentioned him to my friends, and started reminiscing on my old college days and the passions i had back then. i always thought i’d be living in a third world country, or somewhere foreign, doing the Lord’s work. i always imagined i’d move to Honduras (my favorite place). i started looking at homes there, and started imagining working with an organization that will help people, with housing, drug rehabilitation, SOMETHING! ANYTHING! for these past two days i’ve been feeling a little spark light up inside of me. my life is so good, on paper, but i feel dead on the inside. i love my family, i love my friends, my job, my puppy. but i’m just not happy, or feeling like i’m doing what i’m supposed to be doing with my life. 

Lord, i’m so sorry for letting myself feel this way when i’m incredibly blessed. i am grateful for all that You've allowed me to have and to experience, and i pray that i never forget that all good things come from You, and that You make things work together for our good. I pray in this moment that You wash me in Your river, and upon emerging, that i may experience a renewing of my mind and my spirit. may every aspect of my life, including my thoughts and my dreams, connect with Your will and what You have for me. may my dreams reflect the path on which You want me to embark. i’m tired of being tired. may i learn to hear Your voice and discipline myself to be better at seeking You and listening for Your voice, and yours alone. help me to be a better person physically, mentally, personally, spiritually, in every aspect of my life. that those around me, whether familiar or strangers, may see You in me. wash me clean and make me new, again and again, over and over.

Letting Go

You've brought me to the end of myself/This has been the longest road/Just when my hallelujah was tired/You gave me a new song

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

I confess I still get scared sometimes/But perfect love comes rushing in/And all the lies screamed inside go silent/The moment You begin

I'm letting go/I'm letting go/I'm letting go/Falling into You

You remind me/Of things forgotten/You unwind me/Until I'm totally undone/And with Your arms around me/Fear was no match for Your love/Now You've won me

And if I lived a thousand lifetimes/And wrote a song for every day/Still there would be no way to say/How You have loved me/Oh, how You love me/And that's how You've won me

i honestly don’t know how to start this entry, so i decided to be honest and just straight out say that i don’t know what to say. i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t know where i’m going or where i should be. 

i don’t know a lot of things lately, or for a long time actually. it’s been a few years since i last wrote something, and yet i still hold onto some of the feelings i felt way back then. while i no longer have feelings for the person who lead me to start this blog in the first place, and that relationship is now only a memory, i still struggle with certainty of who i am and where i need to be. there are different situations in my life now, but the struggle is still the same. 

as i listen to this song, which is beautiful in so many ways, i can’t help but to conjure up the feelings i last felt in my last entry. i came into this thinking i would write something positive about the new year and blah blah blah. my intention was to encourage myself to let go and push forward. but i feel like i’ve already been trying to do that and i’m using a rake instead of a shovel to remove this muck in my life. instead of lifting and throwing it away, i’ve been spreading this mud into a thin layer, hoping that the sun will dry it out. but once the mud is dry, the floor is still dirty and will only continue to be a mess every time it rains. and it sucks. it really sucks.

i can’t deny it and pretend that it’s not there—the hurt, the pain, the resentment. and this doesn’t just have to do with my last relationship, which was years ago. but the more i sit and think about where i’ve been and where all of this comes from, the more i realize that, jeez, i’ve gone through a lot. and it’s not to excuse my behavior or to ask for others to pity me (please don’t…), but in order to allow God to heal you, we have to allow Him to dig through the deepest and most painful parts of our hearts and minds. through prayer God has revealed things to me that i had no idea i still held onto. and the more that happens, the more i want to stop the process. yes, i feel great after, but it’s the digging deep part that hurts. it’s like working out or going for a run—you know it’s going to cost you energy, time and possibly money, but the end result feels amazing. 

i unintentionally hide from God. all the time. and then here i come apologizing, knowing He’ll forgive me because i sing songs and read about Him having relentless love for us, and how much He yearns to hear our voice and be with us. i know that. but there i go again. and every time i think about it, even now, i find it so annoying. i mean, come on! that’s so irritating. i picture God having a special callus for every time i come running to Him. i picture God opening His arms every time i come to Him, happy that i’m there. if it were me, i’d have rolled my eyes a couple million times and called me a faker, knowing that i’d do it again. but i’m not God, and His ways are higher. i will never understand the full complexity that is God and His plans for my life. and that’s where the dilemma lies. 

ugh. 

i’m so sick of faking it. fake it until you make it. but don’t get me wrong, i love God and my faith is strong. there’s nothing that can break my relationship with God. He knows my heart, my thoughts, my desires…everything. i talk to Him throughout the day, whether it be through short prayers, questions in my head, advice, etc. i like to keep our conversations constant throughout the day. what bothers me are my actions and the natural thoughts floating around in my head. i can’t seem to forgive myself for the things i’ve done or the way i act. i don’t know, it’s complicated. maybe i’m crazy, and maybe i’m alone in thinking this way. or maybe i expect too much of myself. i think i should be a certain place in life at my age, and i’m not. it’s my daily struggle with God, me asking Him why things aren’t certain ways. i try to mask my frustration with asking for His will to be done. but if i have to be honest, and it’s something that i need to start doing more often, i’m frustrated. i’m so disappointed. like, what the hell?!?! but the moment i start to get ready to yell at God, i start to think twice. Ha, i did it just now. is this my fear, or is it God. is it okay to yell at God? i know Jacob did, but can i do it too? and do i even want to yell at God? right now, my answer is no. i want God to use me and make me whole, but does that involve me shouting out my anger? or is that of the flesh? i don’t know. i really don’t know. my relationship or approach to God has always been an open one, where i sit and wait for God to open and close doors for me, that it all may be according to His will. but why isn’t it working?

and see, that last question in itself is my frustration. i’m leaving it there to remind myself later in case i need to reread this entry. why is me not getting what i want a sign of something not working? when did i become so spoiled to think that i’m blessed if things are going my way? i wasn’t like this. and i’m totally aware of how blessed my life is. but somewhere down the line, my happiness became dependent on certain moments. in my mind, i should be married and have children by now. it’s been my desire to share my life with someone and be a mother since i was very young. the fact that it hasn’t happen yet is killing me. i’m not about to walk around desperate, acting all “thirsty,” but it does bother me. i haven’t been in a relationship for a few years now. it took a really long time to recover from the last one, and i’m not about to just jump into a new one. i’m praying for the next one to be THE one—the final one God has for me. i’m surrounded by broken marriages. i’m over here trying to stay married, so i will wait. but man, it’s hard. so hard. and i hate waiting. i really do. 

okay, this went on a lot longer than i expected, but i had a café glacé from urth and i’m on a roll. but i said what i needed to say, for now and for this song. i had arrows tattooed on my wrist to remind me that while i may plan and aim where i want my life to go, it’s not going anywhere until i let go. my new year’s resolution (eww, yes i made one [insert rolling eyes emoji]) is to go above and beyond what is required or asked of me. this also includes getting out of my own way to do what i need to do to be used by God. this means letting go of my plans, expectations, hopes, dreams, and even my crush from church. 

Lord, i know i’ve said it before, but i want to mean it more than i ever have before. help me mean what i say. give life and motion to my words, and jump-start my hopes and dreams. i need and want this more than ever before. Lord, have Your way. i let go of everything and everyone and lay it all before You. 

Hopeless Wanderer

You heard my voice/I came out of the woods by choice/The shelter also gave the shade/But in the dark I have no name
So leave that click in my head/And I will remember the words that you said/Left a cloud in mind and a heavy heart/But I was sure we could see a new start
So when your hope's on fire/But you know you your desire/Don't hold a glass over the flame/Don't let your heart grow cold/I will call you by name/I will share your road
But hold me fast, hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer/Hold me fast, hold me fast/'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
I wrestled long with my youth/We tried so hard to live in the truth/But do not tell me all is fine/When I lose my head I lose my spine
So leave that click in my head/And I will remember the words that you said/You brought me out from the cold/Now how I long, how I long to grow old
And I will learn, I will learn/To love the skies I'm under/The skies I'm under 

In high school I took a literature class on philosophy, which taught me the basics of several literary movements throughout history. I became attached to a certain movement, Transcendentalism, which taught that society and religion make people "bad," and that if man were to be separated from that, he would learn the truth about life, learning to cherish the essentials and put aside the rest--basically becoming "good" again. It took Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson to literally move out into the woods to learn that, stripping away all luxuries and desires.

Throughout our lives we go into the woods once in a while, either by choice or by force. The most painful of course is when your comfort and what you know is stripped away from you, by surprise, and you unknowingly begin to live in the woods. At first, we scramble around trying to figure out how we got there. Sometimes the cause is known, and sometimes it's not; even when the cause is known, confusion is just as strong of an emotion as pain and loss. Little by little you learn to navigate yourself around the woods, yet remaining there because what you knew before is no longer there. For many, what was once there remains, but is no longer theirs to take back or go to.

Dark Side

There's a place that I know/It's not pretty there and few have ever gone/If I show it to you now/Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay/Even if it hurts/Even if I try to push you out/Will you return?/And remind me who I really am/Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond/From black dust/It's hard to know/What can become/If you give up/So don't give up on me/Please remind me who I really am
Don't run away/Don't run away/Just tell me that you will stay/Promise me you will stay/Don't run away/Don't run away/Just promise me you will stay/Promise me you will stay
Will you love me?
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Don't run away/Don't run away/Don't run away/Promise you'll stay

-"Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson

I don’t like choosing songs that are too obvious, which is why I didn’t post the song that describes how I’m really feeling. But I heard this song at H&M not too long ago and decided to write down as much of the lyrics as I could and find it later. The words that caught my attention are “don’t run away, don’t run away, just tell me that you will stay” and bits and pieces of the chorus. And just to answer any lingering questions you may have, yes I still think about him and no, I’m not over him. Just thought I’d get it out now. Just in case…

I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday, who is in a similar situation as mine, except he is on the other side. It was a very interesting conversation that opened my eyes to see things differently. I already knew some of the reasons why things ended with my relationship, but I didn’t fully capture them until yesterday. For so long I’ve held onto the idea that one day we’d get back together and everything will be sunshine and rainbows like before. But I came to realize that not everything was as how I remembered. I was so blinded by the good things, that I failed to see the moments that brought me down and really hurt me while I was in the relationship. Like the song says, everyone has a dark side—a side that makes the other person really question whether he/she wants to spend his/her life with you. I know my “other” side can be pretty ugly, one that even leaves me grossed out and disgusted. I look back and I see an insecure person that let little things get to me. I showed no confidence in who I was, allowing the “green-eyed monster” to really bring me down and attack the person I cared about most. I don’t blame him for making that one of the top reasons why he made his choice, as I might have done the same thing. BUT (and I place a huge emphasis on that one), that to me was not enough.

The same way I have a dark side, so does he. I’m not about to go into details because it’s not my business to be sharing others’ “sides” other than my own. However, I did a lot to keep things rolling and to make sure things were good at the end of the day. I made a lot of sacrifices and put up with a lot. I chose not to run away when things got rough, and I chose not to hide when things came flying towards me to bring us down. My friend made me realize last night that it shouldn’t have to be that way. I shouldn’t have to fight for anyone’s attention or to hope that I’m the only one he has eyes for. When it’s right and meant to be, things will fall into place. I have a lot I need to work on, and so does he. I’m not saying that we’re meant to be together, but if things were to ever go back to the way they were, we’d both have to change. I refuse to be the girl I used to be. I refuse to let the little things bring me down. I won’t fall for words as easily as I once did. Actions most definitely speak louder than words, and this year has definitely shown me that.

Above all, I’ve learned about patience. God has a purpose for everything. Not everything is caused by God, but He does permit things to happen. Every day I question why God allows certain things to happen to me, or why He allows me to feel or not feel certain things. In the end, the answer is always to wait—wait for what you ask for or wait for something better. I pray for the latter. I want something better than what I had. I want it all—magic, love, happiness, blessings, kindness, tenderness, sacrifice, forgiveness…everything! I don’t know when things will fall into place, but when they do, they’ll be just right. No more running away. No more hiding. There will be love in the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the painful, the worst, and best. There will be love.

My Blood

-->

That feeling that doesn't go away just did/And I walked a thousand miles to prove it/And I'm caught in the crossfire of my own thoughts/The colour of my blood is all I see on the rocks/As you sail from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me/My bones will bleach/My flesh will flee/So help my lifeless frame to breathe
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
The lost dreams I buried in my sleep for him/And this was the ecstacy of love forgotten/And I'm thrown in the gunfire of empty bullets/And my blood is all I see/As you steal my soul from me
Alarms will ring for eternity/The waves will break every chain on me
And God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now/And God knows it's the only way to heal now/With all the blood I lost with you/It drowns the love I thought I knew
"My Blood"  Ellie Goulding

-->

I write for myself, and only for myself. I don’t write so that someone could see this and feel bad for me. I write because this is how I release the thoughts in my head. I write because I have no other way to let the dreams out. I write because I cannot speak the words that I wish I could say. I mean, I’m not afraid to speak them, but I know that my words have consequences and I have learned that some words and emotions are better left unsaid. So this is why I write…

For a long time I thought this was the end. Until recently, I thought that there was no way that I would get to feel the love I gave returned to me. But unfortunately for me, that didn’t last very long, leaving me with the same bitterness that I felt on that one July afternoon. Once again I’m left with my mouth wide open, in awe of the situation. Once again I messed things up by letting my mouth and my emotions get the best of me and “kill it.”

It’s funny how when you’re alone you have the time and confidence to plan out how certain situations would go down if you ever crossed those paths. In my mind, I knew exactly what I wanted to do and say if I ever got the opportunity to confront the actions that had me down in a hole for such a long time. I imagined myself as a tough figure, saying “no” to everything and being cold-hearted. But of course, like always, things didn’t go as planned. And now I’m left watching my dreams sail away from me…again.

For so long I let the waves crash over me, thinking that it was part of the journey and that the wait and pain would be worth it. But now I feel exactly as you’d think someone would feel after getting pounded by wave after wave—exhausted. I’m tired! More than anything, I’m frustrated and angry with myself for allowing these feelings and emotions flood over me like a little girl (how ironic…) I’m disappointed with the fact that I’m left standing here all alone, once again.

This song speaks volumes to me. I don’t even want to talk about it because I’ll kill it, like I do with everything else I touch or love. I don’t know of any relationship that I have (boys, friends, family, etc.) or have had, that I’ve messed up or tainted at some point. I’ve managed to ruin almost every single thing that I love. Everything has changed; nothing is the same. I look around me, and like the song says, I see my blood all over. All of the work, time and dedication that I’ve poured over everything have disintegrated, bringing a sense of loss, as though it’s all gone to waste.

I never asked for this kind of life. You might be reading this and think that I don’t know that I’m talking about. But then again, I don’t share everything for the sake of those whose lives I’ve messed with, or for those whose mistakes/choices have changed the way I live every day. I never, in a million years, would have guessed that at this age I’d be where I am and have gone through even the things that have happened this year alone. I’ve been kicked out of my house, had my car broken into, had my heart broken by the person I considered the love of my life, and recently got hit by a car while crossing a street. No I’m not starving, no I’m not homeless anymore and no I’m not jobless. But there’s only so much emotional damage within a certain amount of time that one can take. I can honestly say that I’m exhausted. I’m genuinely exhausted of being tossed around. I don’t know what God’s purpose with all of this is, but I know it has to be a good one. I’m waiting for the day when I can finally breathe in deeply and say, “Ooohhh…that’s why!”

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, White shirt/Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn/It was like James Dean, for sure/You so fresh to death & sick as ca-cancer/You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop/But you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and I know/That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby!
...But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died/I told you I wanted more-but that not what I had in mind/I just want it like before/We were dancin' all night/Then they took you away- stole you out of my life/You just need to remember...

I will love you till the end of time/I would wait a million years/Promise you'll remember that you're mine/Baby can you see through the tears?/Love you more/Than those bitches before/Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember/I will love you till the end of time

There's so much power in story-telling, especially through music. By sharing your own, singular, unique experience, you have the power to connect to so many. You may feel like you're the only person in the whole world going through whatever you're experiencing, but as it turns out, you're just like everybody else. Everyone goes through a break up, everyone loses someone they love--a boyfriend, a family member, a close friend...someone. You hear a song on the radio that describes EXACTLY what you're feeling and going through, and somehow, along with the possible hundreds, thousands of people who have heard that song, you make it your own. It's the memories that you keep with you that make your story unique from the old-time story of love that was lost.

I still remember exactly how everything began. I can describe every scene as if it was a couple of weeks ago. And as I remember those times, I can also pinpoint and recall the moments that may have led to the state that I'm in right now. I've had a lot of time to think, now that I've distanced myself from the world that I could boldly say was mine. The separation wasn't intentional, as it was the only way I could cope with the blow that I took from the moment "we" turned into "just me."  I'm definitely not the same person that I was, and in a way it's a good thing. I loved unconditionally, and I don't know if I can love that way for a while. But what I do know is that I've learned my lesson on love and who to give my heart away to. For three years I loved like he was the last, not realizing that I wouldn't be his last. The same thing happened when I was younger--I held back at the beginning because I was unsure, and when I finally let go, he lost interest. Now that it's happened twice, I'm beginning to see that I've been opening up to the wrong guys. Don't get me wrong, though, because I don't regret anything. I can still say that I'm thankful to God for those three years, because he truly was my best friend. But that's what I get for following my heart and not my head.

True love is a thing of mystery, and I can say that it comes from God. I think what we had was true love, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. He will always mean something special to me, because it was true and honest. But, that was the past, and that's where it shall remain. From now on it's about me and God. I know I've said that before, but new findings have led to me to embrace that. I know that God is preparing me to do something great, and somewhere out there is the one that God has for me. Whether he's ready or not, one day he'll be mine and I'll be his. Until then, I will continue to wait on the Lord, seeking Him as He guides and strengthens me. I truly, really just want to worship. I haven't felt this urge to do so since before the breakup. Something inside of me is longing to fly and soar and just be free, getting lost in the music as my praises reach the throne of the almighty Creator. I feel the passion stirring up inside of me, and I need to let it out. Hopefully God can direct me to an outlet. God, have Your way in me. I'm all yours...here I am!

In My Place

In my place, in my place/Were lines that I couldn't change/I was lost, oh yeah
I was lost, I was lost/Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed/I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Yeah how long must you pay for it?/Yeah how long must you wait for it?/Oh for it

I was scared, I was scared/Tired and under prepared/But I wait for it

I love a good crowd. Man, that Glastonbury Festival looks AMAZING! I checked the price and it's ...umm...yeah it's gonna take a bit more saving up. But one day I'll go!

Anyways, yeah  I haven't written in a while. Even now I'm hesitant as I write this entry. I don't have much to say other than the fact that I'm still in the same place that I've been in. I'm trying...I really am. I started singing again. When the "situation" happened, I decided to take a break from church so that I could give myself a chance to get over everything, and to give him his own space and freedom. But I've been stuck in a hole of memories, feelings, emotions...madness! And the worst part is that as much as I try, I can't get out. I'm totally ready to move on--my head knows what happened and tells me that I have to keep going, and that there's someone out there that's going to love me unconditionally and never leave me. But my heart can't...it just won't. It's been a while already and I still have to remind myself every time that I wake up that this is my life now. Even a little nap doesn't let me forget because even then he's in my dreams.

I'm looking at what I'm writing and going through what I feel and think every day and I have to say that I sound pretty pathetic. I mean, this is so dumb! Ugh! I've even tried forcing myself to "like" someone else (or 2) but nothing works because it's not real. I'm trying to forget. I know there's still hope for me (obviously), but I need it to come quick! I know God told me to wait, so I'm holding on to that. I have no idea what He wants me to wait for, but I know that whatever it is, it's for my own good. I just have to keep doing my part in my relationship with God and continue to wait for Him, as I strive to seek His will for me daily. One thing I've learned is that I must keep praying. As hard as it may be, and even though I still haven't received the peace that I long for, I have to keep going. I continue to pray for that kid, asking God to protect him and to begin revealing the plans He has for him. I still care about him, but I know that all I can do now is pray for him as a brother in Christ, and that's it. I have to keep moving and waiting...I must!

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed/When you get what you want, but not what you need/When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep/Stuck in reverse/And the tears come streaming down your face/When you lose something you can't replace/When you love someone, but it goes to waste/Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below/When you're too in love to let it go/But if you never try you'll never know/Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face/When you lose something you cannot replace/Tears stream down on your face/And I.../Tears stream down on your face/I promise you I will learn from my mistakes/Tears stream down on your face/And I...
Lights will guide you home/And ignite your bones/And I will try to fix you 
 "Fix You" by Coldplay

 (Live at Glastonbury Festival 2011, my favorite live version!)

I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to post something about this song. Even now it doesn’t feel quite right. But if I don’t do it now, I don’t know when else I will, and I’ll just keep on postponing it. I have to say that I absolutely love this song! One of my dreams/goals in life is to go to a Coldplay concert (preferably at the Glastonbury Festival [see video above]) and be able to sing this song at the top of my lungs. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried as I’ve sat alone in my car, in my room, at the park, in my dorm or wherever. There’s just something about the lyrics and the music that mesh so well to make you feel so alive as you realize how broken you truly are. Of course, this brings to mind that only God can truly heal your wounds, but it’s nice to know that even in your human-ness, you’re not alone.

I wrote a completely different entry, but I only kept the first paragraph because the rest just didn't feel right. I thought I was ready to say what I thought I wanted to say, but I'm not. And it wouldn't have done this song any justice. I can't think of any song that describes how I'm feeling at the moment better than this one. Yeah, there are songs I wish I could connect to, but I wouldn't be real to myself. But regardless of how I'm feeling, I need to get up and move on. The whole point of me blogging is to record my thoughts and emotions so I can come back one day and be able to say "I'm fixed," with a giant smile on my face. I don't think I'm reading to jump back into the social network scene quite yet, but I have to take baby steps. I am proud to say, however, that I'm currently free from the chains of Facebook and Instagram (say whaaa? I know...). I still get my text tweets from Twitter, though, so I guess it doesn't count as a complete deliverance. But like they say, "Outta sight, outta mind!"

There are two lines from this song that speak the most to me right now: "When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse?" and "When you're too in love to let it go. But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth." The first is probably why I'm so bitter about this whole situation. I gave up so much, almost everything, for this person...and look where it's left me. The second is what I'm working on. I know what I'm worth and I know who I am. I'm 24 (ouch...) and I can say that I know what I want in life. I'm not there yet, but I know exactly who I am, what my interests are and what I'm looking for. I love music (more than I can put into words), film, traveling, soccer, photography, media and I love to give. I like popcorn with tapatio and red lipstick, dancing and swimming, writing letters and I wish I lived sometime between the 40s and 50s. I like to write letters and sunflowers and sunshine make my day. I like singing out loud in my car, but my car is also my sanctuary when I want to get away (which is why it's always a mess). I like Asian and Italian food, but I also enjoy burgers any time and any day. Most of all, I love to worship God, whether it's singing or serving in a ministry. Music is my way of coming closer to God and there's nothing like that moment when my heart syncs with the words coming out of my mouth and BAM...God meets you right where you are. That's magic!  And no, this isn't an advertisement for eHarmony. This is who I am. I need to regain my self-confidence and remember that my life isn't over. I'm an individual, and yeah I got dumped (ouch...that hurt too), but I won't let that define who I am or who I will be. It's going to be a hell of a ride, but I'll let the lights guide me home and just keep going. 

Learning to Breathe

"Hello, good morning, how you been? Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that I would fall like that. Never knew that I could hurt this bad"

What a day...

I'm wide awake (yes, like the Katy Perry song). I'm aware of where I am and I'm aware of what happened to me. I'm aware that things aren't going to change and I'm aware that there's nothing that I can do about it. I got a rude awakening this weekend, but it was something that I needed. Saturday was a whirlwind of emotions that carried onto Sunday and still lingers today. I feel stuck, yet at the same time so aware of my surroundings. It's as if I'm in a hole, yet I can see the mud and dirt around me so clearly, that I understand it's shape and have come to "know" the hole...it's an understanding of an understanding. And as confusing as it sounds, it's so clear. Yeah, that's been my day so far. Welcome to my mind.

And now welcome to my heart. "This old heart of mine, been broke a thousand times..." (love that song!) I found an old journal that I started my junior year at Biola. I skimmed through the first two entries before work today, and maybe that's why I was in such a pensive mood today (but then again, when am I not?). Lately I've been trying to come up with a reason for everything that's happened to me the last couple of years. I've been trying to find why I've gone through so much crap in my life. And I'm not talking about no biggies like getting a C on a test or my goldfish dying--I'm talking major life-ruining moments. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm trying to remember when it all started and see if I can pinpoint where I made a choice that messed my life up and began this domino effect of one things after another. For sure, my household began to crumble around 2009 for reasons that I can't discuss. But that had nothing to do with me, but it sure did change my life and has effected every relationship, both friendships and romantic, that I've had ever since.

Every situation has become an obstacle on top of another obstacle that happens to be over some other mountain. It feels like I'm just being drowned under water. At first it was just that I wanted to be able to walk, and then swim. But now, I just want to be able to breathe. Blow after blow, I've taken on every situation "like a man." God has been with me every step of the way, guiding me, pulling me, stretching me out. But now, I'm just tired. I think I'm just too tired. I feel so guilty, but every morning when I wake up, after I say my little morning prayer, I say to myself "When is it going to be over? How much is enough?" as if God can't hear me. I know He listens, and I know He's working. It's the unknown and the waiting, however, that weakens me. I look around me and everyone seems to be prospering or moving on in their lives, while I'm still here...waiting. I can't help but ask God, question Him like if we're playing 21 questions, but I'm not getting any of the answers. All I can hearing is, "wait...just wait." I close my eyes and imagine myself fighting and wrestling with God or an angel like Jacob did until he got his blessing. I see myself looking ridiculous as I throw my fists up at the Almighty Creator of the universe. Only He has the magical answers that could solve all of my problems. If only He'd give me a glimpse of what my life will be like in 5 years, I think I could have some peace of mind. Who wouldn't like to know that?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. And this wasn't even what I wanted to talk about. I was going to tie in Rihanna's interview with Oprah. She mentioned Chris Brown being the love of her life and that she's come to terms that she's probably going to feel that way towards him for a very long time, and that even though she doesn't know what the future has, she's okay with just feeling that way because she knows it was real (oh man, that interview was amazing!). I know that the road I'm heading down isn't going to be easy. It's hard to love someone that still loves you too, but is trying to get over you because it's "what's best" ( - __- ) but that's what God has placed in my path. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm okay with that. I'll probably be alone for a good while, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to rush into anything because I have a lot of baggage from crap that has happened over the last couple of years, and my heart still belongs to someone else. I'm not ready to move on, and I'm okay with that. I'm just going to take it one day at a time...one breath at a time.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part/You roll outta bed and down on your knees/And for the moment you can hardly breathe/Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?/No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The giving up is the hardest part/She takes you in with your crying eyes/Then all at once you have to say goodbye/Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?/No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand/Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?/No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart/The waking up is the hardest part 

This song takes me back...waaaay way back! It feels like such a long time ago that I was in my senior year at Biola, listening to this song on repeat, along with Taylor Swift's "Breathe," for hours straight as I studied for my tests and wrote papers all night long. Right now as I went back to search for Taylor Swift's song (because I couldn't remember the name), it hit me that I was back in the same place that I was in so long ago. The heartache, the emptiness, the sadness...it all came back to me. We had broken up because my parents didn't approve and I couldn't handle the tension in my house, so I ended things. Of course, I couldn't take the pain and I had to be with him, so we got back together. And now, here we are, again, but this time reversed. If my breakups had a theme song, this would be it. And to prove how much of a great match we were, we both made this our song when we broke up the first time.

I remember it was about 2am and I had John Mayer on my ipod. I heard thing song and I froze as I remembered what it was about. I shut it off because I couldn't handle hearing it completely. As I leaned against the wall (I wrote my best papers on the floor by the door), I just sat there, thinking and trying to hold back my tears because I didn't want to wake up my roommate. I decided to check his myspace (yes...myspace...) to look as his pictures and as his profile song began to play, my heart dropped--there was John Mayer singing the same song I couldn't bare to hear moments before. At first I smiled because I thought about how alike we were...we WOULD pick the same breakup song. But then I returned to my sad/depressed state when I thought about what he must be feeling to post that song up on his myspace, in public, letting everyone know that he was sad too. For him, that was huge! It broke my heart to know and realize that I had broken his, because even though I thought I was making the right choice, he was the only one whose happiness really mattered to me. Since moving out of my house to go to college, my relationship with my family wasn't the best--they didn't take me wanting to be so independent too well and my new relationship just made things worse. At that moment, I only wanted to be with him.

Moving forward some years, here I am, laying in bed and listening to the same song on repeat. It feels as though nothing has changed and this is still the beginning. Every moment, every memory feels like a dream. And even in my dreams, as I sleep, he's all I think about. Waking up truly is the hardest part, having to remind myself that this is the life I live now. I used to fall asleep trying to imagine all the great conversations we'd have before going to sleep once we got married. And when I'd wake up, I'd close my eyes and picture what it'd be like to wake up next to my best friend, the funniest guy I know that makes me laugh even when I'm raging mad at him. It's hard to imagine my future now that he's not around. I mean, I'm still moving forward and pushing towards the same goals. Except now, I have to dream of doing all those things alone. Instead of making plans and dreaming about all of the ministries we could've started up, I'm dreaming of them alone. It gets harder and harder every day, but I know I'll get through this. I have to. God wouldn't give me dreams and a passion for changing things for Him for no reason. I just have to remember to keep breathing...

Best of You

I've got another confession to make/I'm your fool/Everyone's got their chains to break/Holdin' you
Were you born to resist or be abused?/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?/I needed somewhere to hang my head/Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have/But had no use/I was too weak to give in/Too strong to lose/My heart is under arrest again/But I break loose/My head is giving me life or death/But I can't choose/I swear I'll never give in/I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Has someone taken your faith?/Its real, the pain you feel/You trust, you must/Confess/Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?/Oh...

Has someone taken your faith…The life, the love you'd die to heal/The hope that starts the broken hearts/You trust, you must/Confess

I've got another confession my friend/I'm no fool/I'm getting tired of starting again/Somewhere new

"Best of You" - Foo Fighters

During my freshman year at Biola, I played a game where I had to name an animal I’d like to have as a pet and then list 3 reasons why. I had a thing for manatees at the time so I said a manatee, stating the following reasons for my choice: (1) They’re endangered and I’d like to save one, (2) people think they’re ugly but in reality they’re just misunderstood and (3) they’re so graceful in their element, doing what they do best, even if it’s just swimming. I didn’t think too much of it until time passed and I played the game again with other people. Upon telling them my reasons, one of the girls there said, “Oh, so you go for the rebellious type!” I felt like my head exploded. She said that I’m into the type of guy with a “past” and I feel like I can make a difference in his life and that I enjoy what he does even though others might not approve or think it’s cool. Now, looking back at the two relationships I’ve had, it all makes sense.

I have a heart for the “lost”. Nothing gives me more joy than seeing people surrender their lives to God in complete worship, new converts or people just trying to make daily peace with God. I have friends that used to be so involved in ministry and now they’re out doing their own things, living their own lives. It hurts me because they know the Truth, yet they’re so deep into the normality of life that they refuse (yes…refuse, whether they admit it or not) to come back to the life of worship. I feel like I’ve combined that with my last relationship. No he didn’t have the best track record, but who hasn’t done things in their past he/she regrets? It was a tough ride, going up and down a rollercoaster as you’re trying to keep pulling someone up along with you. But I enjoyed every single conversation about callings, ministry and God’s purpose. Now that I’m not there to pray with him, encourage him in the ways of God, I feel…well, helpless! I know it’s not my job to be on him 24/7, and that it definitely shouldn’t be that way in a relationship, but I truly felt like I was doing my part as a godly woman/girlfriend. I was there to support his crazy ideas and listen to all the plans he had for himself, wanting to become a preacher and bring in the lost youth—the same dreams that I have.

All of that is gone now…I lost my partner in crime. All I can do now is pray for him and ask God to continue giving him dreams and visions of what He has planned for him. Pray that God sends him a partner in crime that will push him to be a better person…all the time! Someone who won’t give up, someone that will take all of his corajes and will laugh at all of his dumb jokes, that will sing along with him in the car and give him his weekly facials. I know that saying all of this probably isn’t helping me recover, but at this point, I know that there’s nothing that I can do but just hope for the best. Someone needs to continue praying for him, even if it means just as a friend and at a distance. I just want him to be happy.

Stubborn Love

She'll lie and steal and cheat, and beg you from her knees/Make you think she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair/But I still love her, I don't really care
 
When we were young, Oh Oh, we did enough/When it got cold, Ooh Ooh, we bundled up/I can't be told, Ah Ah It can't be done
 
It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all/The opposite of love's indifference/Pay attention now, I'm standing on your porch screaming out/And I won't leave until you come downstairs
 
So keep your head up, keep your love/keep your head up, my love [x2]/Keep your head up, keep your love
 
I don't blame you dear for running like you did, all these years/I would do the same, you best believe
The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore/I never trusted my own eyes

For two days I’ve heard this song non-stop while at work. It’s a mix of beautiful music and finding a relation to the lyrics. Throughout all of this time in this past relationship, I’ve found a small flaw in the saying, “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” If you truly are a lover, then you are a fighter—those who really love, fight to keep that love. Of course, there are exceptions when you must give up, but for the most part, a lover is a fighter. And I get that whoever said this probably meant a physical fighter…but still. Anyways, from the moment I heard the lyrics, I heard myself singing these lyrics that tell a story of someone constantly in a struggle to keep someone in their life. At first I thought the stubborn one was the person whom the writer is trying to keep. But as I continued to listen, and analyzed myself and how I fought, I realized that the writer is the stubborn one—I’m the stubborn one!

I try…trust me, I try! But it’s really hard to get someone out of your head. I’m not 16, 18 or even 21 anymore. I’ve only been in two relationships, each one lasting about 3 years. After all of that time, I’m really not into being in another relationship that lasts that long. With this last relationship, even though he was younger, I really thought that it was it. I prepared my heart for it to last forever because everything felt so right. Of course, we had people who disapproved of our relationship, but when I was with him, things just fell into place. I did everything and anything for him, and I enjoyed it, because when you love someone, you want to make them happy. Like every human, we both made mistakes that caused us to riff here and there. But in the end, we realized that what we felt for each other was stronger. I began to trust and confide in my feelings and my heart, thinking that this was going to last. Things obviously turned the other way and now I’m here writing in my blog again, late at night instead of sleeping.

I have to start stripping myself of the things that keep me hanging on. The memories need to remain memories. I need to keep my head up and realize that something better is on its way. I need to get my priorities straight and change things around. Time to think about myself. Sorry kid, you’re on your own now.

Where Does the Good Go?

(for best results, listen to the song as you read so you know what I was listening to when I wrote this...)

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow/What do you do with the left over you/And how do you know when to let go/Where does the good go/Where does the good go
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive/Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go/Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love/Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen
It's love that breaks the seal of always thinking you would be/Real happy and healthy, strong and calm/Where does the good go/Where does the good go
Where do you go when you're in love and the world knows/How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down/What do you say it's up for grabs/Now that you're on your way down/Where does the good go/Where does the good go 

Where DOES the good go at the end of a relationship? I think that's the golden question after a breakup. Besides asking yourself, "What the heck happened?" the following question and the one that keeps you down in the struggle is "What am I supposed to do now?". Of course, the obvious answer is to move on with your life, that you're better than this, that the future holds a greater person for you...blah blah blah. And I don't mean to disrespect anyone that says it, 'cause I say it too, but in all truth, it's the truth. The right thing to do is to move on with your life and see what the next day holds for you. It's the healthy thing to do. But as much as you want to move on, you have all this "stuff" that you're left with. The longer you're in a relationship, the more "stuff" you end up with.

After almost 3 years, I was left with lots of pictures, videos, sound clips and many songs that were dedicated at one point. Every thing that I do, like, listen to, eat, is somehow related to him and brings me back. After such a long time, you become one, especially if that's who you were to begin with. I can't stress enough to younger girls to truly find a guy whom you have everything in common with who you truly are. Don't change who you are for a guy! Please! Be you and let someone love you for you! The only negative side to this is that if something happens are you're torn apart, you have nothing to fall back on because your world prior to the person you were with is the exact same world you're left with now. Your only choice is to learn to separate this person from all of your normal activities or create new ones. It sucks...but yeah...that's life.

A friend of mine replied to a tweet I posted about hearing something that reminded me of him. It definitely made me think twice about how to approach this situation. Like with every situation, you have a choice. Life is full of choices, and buddy, they're all up to you! I don't regret any single thing that happened throughout this relationship. I loved all of the fights as much as I loved all of the laughs. You have to learn to embrace everything as a whole. One thing I can say is that I am very grateful to have gone through it all; it was beautiful and some of the best times in my life. I can say that I'm definitely a better person because of this relationship. I've grown a lot and have learned a lot about myself and about true love. So for now, as I look through old pics of his conceited self, watch videos of him singing to me and listen to clips of us singing together, the good stays in my heart. It's who I am and God has allowed me to go through this for a reason.

(this was definitely NOT what I had planned to post for this song, but...oh well! I went with the flow! The original was more depressing, but you can thank me later for saving the sob story...)

  

Everybody Knows

"...I can't function the same when you're not here. Calling your name when no one's there. And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy. I still can't believe you've found somebody new. But I wish you the best, I guess...
Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows how to make it work, or how to ease the hurt.
We've heard it all before, that everybody knows just how to make it right. I wish we gave it one more try...one more try, one more try, one more try...'Cause everybody knows, nobody really knows..."
- "Everybody Knows" by John Legend

This song says it all. Everything that I've been trying to communicate is in this song. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and it's part of a relationship. As I expressed yesterday, I don't think his reason was enough to end things--but what can i do? I'm just letting things be. I'll let this song do the rest of the talking for the night. Buenas noches!

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you, it never takes too long/No matter what I say or do I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone/You hold me without touch/You keep me without chains/I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain
Set me free, leave me be/I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity/Here I am and I stand so tall I'm just the way I'm supposed to be/But you're on to me and all over me
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile, when I thought that I was strong/But you touch me for a little while/And all my fragile strength is gone
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground/But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go/The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down...You're keeping me down
 -"Gravity" by Sara Bareilles

I wanted to come back to blogging in order to release some of the thoughts in my head that keep me from sleeping. But as soon as I opened the page and saw the last post, memories flashed through my mind as I reminisced the moments that made me write that post. It's amazing how time changes...how people change. It actually made me laugh and smile. I'm still trying to figure out, though, if it was a sarcastic laugh or not. Funny how love makes you so true and feel secure...and the next moment you're falling off the little cloud you set your sights on. C'est la vie!

I understand why things happened the way that they did. Or at least, I understand why those feelings could push someone to make the decisions that were made. But I don't think it was enough. Now I'm left with questions...questions that haunt my thoughts every...single...moment. It still feels unreal to me. I wake up after a beautiful dream where we have another adventure, only to have to bring myself back to the reality. Every morning is a struggle. Instead of getting easier every day, it only gets harder and harder. My heart was set, my heart was ready to spend the rest of it's life with this person, belonging to this person (other than Jesus!) and pouring out all sorts of emotions with this person. I'm not going to continue this part of my thoughts because it feels like I can go on forever. I never stop thinking. I never stop feeling.

Now, it's time for me. For almost three years (in September), I spent every moment dedicating time to this person, never leaving a doubt of the feelings I felt for him. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time--I spent such a long time investing in a future that no longer exists. I feel like Bella in "New Moon," when Edward leaves her. She's left with nothing...nothing! I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, thinking about the good times, then forcing myself to fall back asleep, remembering that it's not real anymore. And I often ask myself if I would ever go back. My heart tells me, "Duh Jocy! He's your soul-mate!" But my mind reminds me that this isn't the first time this happens, that you might not be the only one he thinks about, that something else mattered more to him than you and all that you guys went through. I think of myself as being mentally sick. How does someone go back after all that? But, like the song says, it's something more powerful than your thoughts, reasoning and logic. As much as you try to move on, there's always something pull you back down, not letting you move on. A friend of mine posted something on her husband's facebook wall, "You and I will always be unfinished business." I know all about their story, which is very similar to mine's and the kid's story. That is exactly how I feel, even at this moment. This didn't end because we lost our feelings for each other or we ourselves didn't function--we were great together! Outside factors tore us apart. I don't want to keep holding on, but I know that I will always feel something for him.

What we had was magic, and magic doesn't just disappear. But, for now, for myself, I need to worry about me. I have to be strong for myself. I know the battle is only going to get harder, but I will do what I have to do to make sure that I don't get my heart broken again. I don't think I'll date any time soon, unless someone sweeps me off my feet and I have no choice (haha...), but I need time to heal. My world fell apart, and I need time to put it back together. 

My Same

"Walking with each other, think we'll never match at all, but we do
But we do, but we do, but we do..."

can I just say that i love Adele? however, the only reason that i still listen to her is because of her poetic and oh-so-emotional lyrics. sadly, they still remind me of that dark hole i was in this summer when i listened to her music with such intensity, hoping to find some sort of remedy. i know she'll never read this, but i want to say thank you to Adele for sharing her feelings and stories with the world and for taking the time to put it together so eloquently for our souls to enjoy.

anyways, i'm glad to be where i am. of course, things could always be better (no duh!). but after the whirlwind that was 2011, i'm just happy to be standing, let alone still hold two jobs (of which one might become a permanent soon) and still be involved in my ministries. God has been beyond amazing and been sooooo good to me. i mess up time and time again and He continues to rescue me, sweep me off my feet and walk me into marvelous light. LOVE IT!!!

i'm currently in a 21 day fast from sweets, junk food and pretty much anything that i love and am obsessed with. however, due to my weight and health issues, i have decided to include certain junk food, such as meals. i can't take meals out of my diet when i need to gain weight. but oh boy, it has been extremely tough. i decided to go with sweets because i knew that it would be a struggle. i didn't want to do a no-breakfast fast because i never eat breakfast and it wouldn't be a real sacrifice. i couldn't take out another meal like lunch or dinner because my body needs it to go back to a healthy weight (i lost a lot of weight over the summer due to my depression...). so i went with what i love most, which are sweets and junk snacks like popcorn, chips, soda, cupcakes, etc. it's been difficult because of the holidays, gatherings, parties, etc., but God has helped me to be strong. He knows how many times it's crossed my mind to "cheat," but He's reminded me each time that the end result will be so much more worth a tiny cookie or cupcake.

now, the reason for my choice of song...i'm happy. God has been doing awesome things in my "relationship" with this kid. He did an amazing thing by turning "kid's" life around, having him preach and be a youth leader. not only has he changed his ways but he now has a greater mind-set; bigger is no longer impossible. he does have his moments when his struggles get the best of him, but we all fail and luckily for us, God's grace allows us to start again and continue. he actually fights for us and i've seen a change in how he acts in public and in private. we yell, scream, argue and go on about the dumbest things but this kid won't leave me! haha! that's how i know he's a keeper. there were times in the past when i worried about whether we would still be together after an argument, but each time he recognizes his emotions at the moment and assures that of course we'll still be together. boys and gentlemen reading this, a woman loves to feel secure. and i feel that along with that, a man loves to feel that his "possessions" are secure as well. i guess it's a pride thing. but yes, we may fuss and fight, but who doesn't. he makes me laugh so much and takes really good care of me. he's such a sweetheart and i can't imagine being with anyone else. our story is weird and crazy, but it works. these 2+ years have been a sunny day within a thunderstorm, but God has great plans for us and i just pray that He works with our hearts and the hearts of those who still choose not to accept this.

greater things are yet to come...