Dark Side

There's a place that I know/It's not pretty there and few have ever gone/If I show it to you now/Will it make you run away?
Or will you stay/Even if it hurts/Even if I try to push you out/Will you return?/And remind me who I really am/Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond/From black dust/It's hard to know/What can become/If you give up/So don't give up on me/Please remind me who I really am
Don't run away/Don't run away/Just tell me that you will stay/Promise me you will stay/Don't run away/Don't run away/Just promise me you will stay/Promise me you will stay
Will you love me?
Everybody's got a dark side/Do you love me?/Can you love mine?/Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it/You know that we're worth it/Will you love me?/Even with my dark side?
Don't run away/Don't run away/Don't run away/Promise you'll stay

-"Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson

I don’t like choosing songs that are too obvious, which is why I didn’t post the song that describes how I’m really feeling. But I heard this song at H&M not too long ago and decided to write down as much of the lyrics as I could and find it later. The words that caught my attention are “don’t run away, don’t run away, just tell me that you will stay” and bits and pieces of the chorus. And just to answer any lingering questions you may have, yes I still think about him and no, I’m not over him. Just thought I’d get it out now. Just in case…

I had a great conversation with a friend yesterday, who is in a similar situation as mine, except he is on the other side. It was a very interesting conversation that opened my eyes to see things differently. I already knew some of the reasons why things ended with my relationship, but I didn’t fully capture them until yesterday. For so long I’ve held onto the idea that one day we’d get back together and everything will be sunshine and rainbows like before. But I came to realize that not everything was as how I remembered. I was so blinded by the good things, that I failed to see the moments that brought me down and really hurt me while I was in the relationship. Like the song says, everyone has a dark side—a side that makes the other person really question whether he/she wants to spend his/her life with you. I know my “other” side can be pretty ugly, one that even leaves me grossed out and disgusted. I look back and I see an insecure person that let little things get to me. I showed no confidence in who I was, allowing the “green-eyed monster” to really bring me down and attack the person I cared about most. I don’t blame him for making that one of the top reasons why he made his choice, as I might have done the same thing. BUT (and I place a huge emphasis on that one), that to me was not enough.

The same way I have a dark side, so does he. I’m not about to go into details because it’s not my business to be sharing others’ “sides” other than my own. However, I did a lot to keep things rolling and to make sure things were good at the end of the day. I made a lot of sacrifices and put up with a lot. I chose not to run away when things got rough, and I chose not to hide when things came flying towards me to bring us down. My friend made me realize last night that it shouldn’t have to be that way. I shouldn’t have to fight for anyone’s attention or to hope that I’m the only one he has eyes for. When it’s right and meant to be, things will fall into place. I have a lot I need to work on, and so does he. I’m not saying that we’re meant to be together, but if things were to ever go back to the way they were, we’d both have to change. I refuse to be the girl I used to be. I refuse to let the little things bring me down. I won’t fall for words as easily as I once did. Actions most definitely speak louder than words, and this year has definitely shown me that.

Above all, I’ve learned about patience. God has a purpose for everything. Not everything is caused by God, but He does permit things to happen. Every day I question why God allows certain things to happen to me, or why He allows me to feel or not feel certain things. In the end, the answer is always to wait—wait for what you ask for or wait for something better. I pray for the latter. I want something better than what I had. I want it all—magic, love, happiness, blessings, kindness, tenderness, sacrifice, forgiveness…everything! I don’t know when things will fall into place, but when they do, they’ll be just right. No more running away. No more hiding. There will be love in the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the painful, the worst, and best. There will be love.